Greedy

My grandmother is a hoarder. Plain and simple. She can't pass up a "good deal", so she buys EVERYTHING! She literally has a problem, and so do I. I love clothes, especially dresses. I have waaayyy too many of them. I love shoes, so I have an unnecessary amount of those as well. I love good food, so sometimes I keep eating, knowing good and well I'm full! I love a great glass of wine, so I pour another glass (or two and what happens after that isn't any of your business just yet! LOL!). Fact: I overindulge. Now I could make sure that everyone knows I buy everything on clearance and most of the time I eat fairly healthy, but that would be making excuses for this bigger fact: I NEED nothing, but still WANT more.

So, my friend Erika says that EVERY issue we have pretty much stems from childhood,which has had me in deep reflection for the last few years. Why do I shop excessively? (And then wonder why I can't afford other, more important things?) Well, I grew up poor-financially. We moved around a lot. Our utilities were often cut off. There were a few times the refrigerator was empty, but many times the bank account was, so I didn't have the things the "cool" kids had. Now don't get me wrong, the village took good care of my siblings and I when my parents couldn't afford to do so. God also gifted me with the ability to do my, my mom's, and my sister's hair so we were always able to appear clean and well-kept.  However, I was teased for wearing Prowings instead of Reeboks. I was talked about as growth spurts hit and clothes were too short or too tight or my shoes started "talking". With my birthday money, I would buy knock off label t-shirts (Tommy Hilfiger, Nautica, etc.) from the local hair store. When summer hit, I'd cut me and my sister's jeans (which were most often hand-me downs from my brothers) into fashionably fringed "daisy dukes". I became obsessed with fashion and doing whatever I could to mask the fact that we were broke. But, I wanted to have the new Jordans. I wanted to go to the salon to get my hair done every 2 weeks. I wanted my mom to have a nice car instead of a bus pass. I wanted to stay in a home and not move from house to house (sometimes really quickly). I wanted to be like everyone else and have what everyone else had.

Fast forward to now. I go to work everyday, and I work hard for my money. I feel like I deserve to reap the benefits of my labor and buy myself what I want, when I want. I'm sure many people reading this would agree. However, when I have what I need and much of what I want, who do I think I am to keep getting more? To uncover my subliminal thoughts, they would sound something like this:I grew up without, so now is my time. I deserve what I want because I went so long without it. I bet no one will talk about me and my clothes now. This is clearly a sign of entitlement.

According to Out of the FOG (http://outofthefog.net/), entitlement is defined as "an unrealistic, unmerited, or inappropriate expectation of favorable living conditions and favorable treatment at the hands of others". Whoa. That's heavy. And the way my defensive personality is set up, I'm like, that's not me! Or is it?

First, it is very unrealistic of me to expect that my life should be all peachy and rosey and financially secure when I'm spending money on things I don't need. God says that if we can be trusted with little then we can be trusted with much (Luke 16:10). If I can't be trusted to spend and save my teacher's salary (and we all know that is not much!), why would He ever make me a millionaire? That's unrealistic! It is unmerited for me to think that because I had it rough coming up I automatically deserve or have earned my stripes to get and have whatever I want. That's so immature! Am I a child or a woman? 1st Corinthians 13 says, "When I was a child I thought and acted as a child, but now I am a man and am done away with childish things." I need to do away with the childish thought that I can just have what I want and do what I want and that the universe should bend at my will. And let's face it, plenty of little girls grew up in FAR WORSE situations than me. Who do I think I am??? Lastly, it's inappropriate because God has blessed me to not NEED anything yet I'm out here like, "Gimme more, more, MOOORREEE!"

God tells us that His grace is sufficient (2nd Corinthians 12:9). That should be ENOUGH! To know that I have done nothing to earn His grace, and I quite honestly should have it revoked each and every day should be ENOUGH! Even when I was without, I was never without! I may have moved around a lot, but I was never homeless. I may have had utilities cut off, but I never froze to death or had a heat stroke. The refrigerator may have been empty, but I never went hungry. I may have been financially poor, but I never lacked in love. My mother spoiled me with the one thing she had in abundance-LOVE! So, now the challenge is to renew my mind (Romans 12:2). To remind myself that it is not in clothes or wine or shoes that I find my comfort. God is my comfort. God is my provider. God is the only way for me to stop being so freaking greedy! Pray my strength as I continue through this struggle of allowing His grace to be sufficient. To live in my new identity as a transformed little girl FROM the hood and stop identifying as that insecure little girl IN the hood. God covered me then and provided for me even then, so why now would I be looking outside of Him for that covering and those provisions? If you can relate, I'll be in prayer for all of us to be satisfied in Him instead of seeking that satisfaction in stuff. Be Blessed. XOXO