Fed Up

Have you ever been sick and tired of being sick and tired? You get so tired of something or someone that you take IMMEDIATE action? Yesterday, my oldest son wanted to sweep up a mess he made at dinner. Excited for him to be cleanly and independent (which as any mother knows can be questionable with any child on any given day, no matter their age), I handed him the broom and dustpan. When he was done, I looked at our hardwood floors with utter disgust. It had been nearly two  months since I gave them a thorough cleaning and a shine job. Why? The short answer: Life. Right then and there, as I scoured the floor's various sticky black marks, jelly stains, and other weird substances, I loaded the cleaning solution, warm water, sponge and cleaning rag into the sink. I didn't even have time to find the bucket! It had to happen right then and there. I couldn't take it any more!

Now this job has been avoided for a while because it requires a few things. First, I need complete seclusion from my family. They can't be walking in and out of the house while I'm cleaning the floors, and if they try to even think about setting foot on one of those floors after I've shined them, there is most often hell to pay (pray for me lol). Secondly, I must have the right tools and solutions. If I don't have the right floor cleaner, my floors look clean, yet dull; and after all that work, a dull floor is enough to make me curse. The first phase of this process also requires that I get on my hands and knees to really get the floor clean. I can see the sticky spots up close and get the tough parts of the floor that are tucked behind stationary furniture much more easily. But the truth is that this part hurts. My knees don't like that hard surface, but it's necessary to get the job done. Then, I have to wait a while for the first phase to dry. Once that's happened, the floors are ready to be shined! This is my favorite part because it is the easiest and the most noticeable! I stand up, take a dry mop and some Mop N Glo (BTW: great stuff), and get to work! When I'm done, the floors almost look brand new! It's awesome!

Okay, so what's this have to do with anything? Look at the analogy! What if we got sick and tired of our issues and problems and just took the IMMEDIATE action to give them to God? What if we didn't care if everything was perfect like timing, location, or even mental or spiritual state? What if we simply couldn't take it any more and handled it right then and there? If we did that, it might look something like this...

We separate ourselves from all distractions because we need total seclusion so that we can be alone with our God. We make sure to have the Word nearby just in case we need it because that is a source of solution for so many of our problems! We get on our knees and examine ourselves and our situations clearly. Revealing to God those sticky parts and allowing Him to pull out of us those things that lie hidden and tucked behind our smiles and facades of everything being okay when in reality, it's a chaotic mess! We allow ourselves to feel and deal with the pain and hurt that might pour out. We do this for as long as it takes to "come clean" and then we wait. We wait for ourselves to "dry" by waiting on God to answer us, to reveal to us His plan for our lives. And because we know that the plans He has for us are prosperous plans, then we can count it all joy that the next phase is to shine! We stand up and we shine through Him as living testimonies of all that God has brought us through. This part is the easiest because we are basking in our blessings and celebrating what God has done. It wasn't an easy journey to get here, but it was all necessary because it all worked together! That is the part that is often most noticeable to those around us who need encouragement or are in the same place we were just brought out of. Wouldn't that be awesome? Be blessed. XOXO

Love You

When I was growing up, before we ever parted from one another and before we went to bed, my mom always initiated what seemed to be an ever-lasting family shout out. One by one, she would say, "I love you (insert 1 of 4 children's names here)!" From there, we would say it back to her, then one by one, each of us would say it to one another. The point in life came where my younger siblings got smart enough to realize this activity stayed off bedtime for a wee bit longer, while the point in my life came where I started to think it was ever so lame! However, not participating was never an option; hence, it became a habit. Now, as an adult with my own family, we do the same thing.

It feels good to have someone tell you they love you. There's a lot of power behind those words. Having lost my mom at such a young age, I'm grateful that not a moment on the phone or in person was ever ended without those words, even when we were mad at one another (as my mom would say, saying I love you through gritted teeth doesn't change the meaning lol). When many of us think about saying I love you, it's so natural, it comes so easy. But for so many others, it just doesn't.

Many people grow up in hardened homes. This doesn't mean that they weren't loved, but they didn't hear it. Because they didn't hear it, they don't say it.  Because they don't say it, the ones they love often question it. This lack of expression often has one suppressing his or her true emotions which can close off a promising part of a relationship. Now, it's not a rule to tell someone you love them, but it could change dynamics within our lives if we did. It could change the way you feel or the way someone you truly care about feels. It could brighten a day, soften a heart, or just put positive vibes in an atmosphere.

If this is you, and expressing love is hard for you, here's the best way to start: Bask in the free and unconditional love we all have access to- God's love. It is unfailing. It is all-knowing, yet all-loving. It's big enough for all of us. It's vast enough to cover a multitude of sins. It's forgiving and sincere and we can't do anything to take it away from us. He love us...all of us! For no reason at all. We've done nothing to earn it, we'll do nothing to lose it. It's ours!

One of my favorite sections of the Bible is 1st Corinthians 13:4-8. It tells us what love is. It's the model for how we are loved by God and therefore how we are commanded to love one another. It reads: 4 Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. 5 It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. 6 Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. 7 It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. 8 Love never fails.

With love comes responsibility. We can't say we love someone and not respect them. We can't say we love someone and not consider them. We can't say we love someone and not forgive them or keep bringing up their past offenses (I can be so guilty of this!). When we tell someone we love them, we become responsible to them. Responsible to love them with our whole hearts. That is a spiritual commitment that shouldn't be taken lightly. When we love someone, we pray for them. When we love someone, we listen to them. When we love someone, we are there for them as best we know how to be. Love is not an easy thing. It's hard. Love is not a cheap thing. It's expensive as it costs time and sometimes money. Regardless of what love is not, there is one thing it is: NECESSARY. Just like we need air and water, as human beings with living spirits, we need love. I challenge you today to tell the people closest to you that you love them...and mean it! Be blessed. XOXO

Pray Sum Mo

Hip Hop phenom Nicki Minaj is featured on a trendy single called Throw Sum Mo. It's a catchy little tune, easy for all ages to sing. As with most misogynistic rap songs, the gist of the song is simple: strippers with big booties get "rained on" by men who claim to have long money. Speaking from the perspective of one of these women, Nicki says to these men, if you have cash...throw sum mo!

Now this may not be the best lead in for the holy high rollers who stopped by, but it's the perfect lead in for people like me who still have an honest adoration for a little bit of trap music. The funny thing is, this morning, one of my students was working hastily on his introductory paragraph for his research paper. I heard this song coming through so clearly from his headphones that he might as well have been multitasking as the class DJ! I asked him to throw sum mo clicks on his mouse to decrease the volume of his personal song selection. He laughed and obliged, as I began to think about what I have to throw ('cause cash surely isn't it! I need ALL MY COINS!).

Being responsible for the lives of so many students over the years, I've seen some things that kids go through that just isn't fair. I've seen houses catch fire. Parents abandoning and abusing their own children. House arrest bracelets and parole officers showing up at will. I've even lost a few to prison and the grave. Being a teacher is often like working in a trauma center; there's a lot going on and it can become emotionally overwhelming. Aha! That is what I have thrown for the last 10 years...prayers.

To be honest, some of them I keep closer to my heart than others and there are seasons I pray for them without ceasing. Others of them I include in the aggregate prayers of protection and well-being, but they all get prayer.  I've prayed headed to work that I don't put my hands on that one kid who makes me want to never, ever spare the rod! I pray when kids reveal things to me that should be reserved for the counselor. I pray before they take a test. I pray when they leave the building. I pray hardest when summer hits and they are out of my daily grasp. With each passing day, each year, each new group of kiddos, I pray...fervently.

But for all of us, the truth is that this prayer thing doesn't start or stop with work. The Word tells us in Philippians 4:6, "Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God." If that's the case, we should be praying non-stop! When the money gets low, we should pray. When the spouse starts tripping, we should pray. When the kids are acting a fool, we should pray. When we have no idea what God wants us to do with our lives, so we are walking around somewhat aimlessly seeking our divine purpose, we should continue to pray. When we get blessed with a new car or a new job, we should pray. When we ask God for the desires of our hearts, even though He has yet to grant them, with thanksgiving (as if it is already done), we should pray. In everything, we should pray. So when we can't seem to figure out what else to do or we have no clue how else to help, we should try our best no to lose it (our minds, our way, our faith...) Instead, we should (aye...cue the beat...bounce with me now)...pray sum mo! Be blessed. XOXO

Our Father

Last Sunday, I saw a dad sitting in church with his two young sons. The dad couldn't have been much over 30, and his boys had to be about 4 or 5 and 7 or 8. The sermon had started, and as if it were their ritual, the youngest boy snuggled in his dad's lap, while the father extended his right arm around the oldest son and to lie his head at his father's side. The image warmed my heart for so many reasons.

First, he was a black man. I don't know if mom was serving the church and therefore out of the sanctuary. I don't know if dad had weekend visitation. I don't know if this was his full-time, single dad gig. What I did know was that he was a black man. He looked like the oppressive and ill-intentioned media images of back child-support cases, crime suspects, and victims of police shootings. His tattoos peeked from behind his short sleeved v-neck. His skin was caramel complected. His hair was thick, and his features were strong. He was the picturesque image of black masculinity that is often shielded from the overtly biased view of the international mainstream. He was not just a baby daddy. You could tell this man was a father. A "working-to-the-bone-to-raise-up-men-from-boys' type of father. An 'I've-made-my-mistakes-but-keep-striving-everyday-persevering-for-my-family" type of father. He was a sight that we don't get to see enough.

Secondly, they were at church. I don't know how everyone else group up, but the way I was raised, the men in the home didn't go to church. The whole family, every woman and child, would get up and get moving while generations of fatherhood would be straight chilling. It's still evident in my community as the ratio of women to men in most American congregations is found to be ridiculously slanted and absurdly so in a religion where many hold the belief that women shouldn't preach (to congregations full of women). But I digress. Often, if a man isn't in the pulpit or serving as a deacon, there are few to be seen at church. Not only was this man in the building, but he brought back up!

Another thing I reflected on was my own fathers. My real dad wasn't around for the first decade of my life. I saw him from time to time, but there was absolutely no interaction and no connection. I spent a lot of my life angry at him, even after he tried his best to be a dad (and little did I know he was working without a solid example). It took Darnell to one day say to me at 19 or 20 years old, "Every time your dad comes to town you get an attitude. It's like you don't like him or something 'cause you always seem mad." Now those who know me know that I am defensive now and reflective later. So, I had to tell Darnell that he didn't know me or my daddy like that and that whole situation was none of his damn business! But later that night, after dinner and movie with Darnell and my dad, I saw it for myself. He was right. I still held ALOT of resentment toward my dad and I had no idea where to begin to let it go. Over the years, I softened, but that process was gradual, and I'd be lying if I said it was complete by the time he passed away in 2010.

On the other hand, my step-dad was there from the time I was 2 or 3 years old until my Senior year in high school. He taught me how to play dominoes, let me listen to "forbidden" rap music, showed me how to fight, taught me how to cook southern foods, made sure I knew how to ride the city bus alone, and of course, he intimidated every guy I ever dated! But my Senior year in high school he may have completely lost his mind. He got fired from every job. He drank non-stop and smoked enough weed to cure at least 10 variants of cancer. He cheated on my mom with numerous (and ugly...Lord forgive) women. He even got bold enough to have them call and come by our home! Seriously?!? But then, as if that wasn't enough, one day he hit my mom. That strained our relationship more than the 24 hour eviction notice that graced our door 2 weeks later, a mere 3 weeks before my high school graduation. Over the years, I continue to soften, but we are still not 100%.

As you can guess, I envied those little boys. They had what I never experienced. I never had a dad sit with me and embrace me like that when I was their age. My step-dad was a good dude, especially when I was their ages, but the touchy-feely wasn't really in him. I didn't hug my real dad until my high school graduation, no lie. Those little boys had a gift to cherish. So many children long for the touch, the presence, the relationship with a father. So many of those children grow to be adults with missing pieces from their lives and huge holes in their hearts. Those little boys had it good, better than many because they had a real-life father.

Of course my mind continued to drift (so I missed the whole start of the sermon...my bad pastor...gotta get the DVD). I thought about my Father in heaven . I thought about how when we are young in our faith, we often have to sit in His lap to feel His comforting strokes as we grow in His wisdom. I thought about how sometimes we are fairly strong in the spirit, but still need to just lean on Him for strength and courage. I thought about how, no matter what, there is always enough room for all of us. I thought about how He is all-knowing and aware of every single minute detail, even we we may not have the slightest clue what is going on because this world has drained us to the point that we are are knocked out, resting upon Him. I thought about how people try to convince me that He isn't real and paint these untrue images about God, but as I walk with him, He proves them wrong each and every day.

At the close of service, I saw that same man carrying the smallest boy and holding the oldest boy's hand, as they walked against the exiting grain of the congregation toward the restroom (which further let me know he was a pro because he knew to make a mandatory restroom stop before departing ANY location no matter how long the stay! Only parents who are true to the game no that!). I thought about how sometimes in life God has to carry His children because we just can't take any more. I thought about how sometimes we are still so out of it from a good blow from life that He holds our hand and guides us through the mass of obstacles still coming our way, keeping us in perfect peace when we have no idea how. I thought about how lucky we are to have Him as our Father. Be blessed. XOXO

Spilled Paint

Over the years, we've accumulated a ridiculous amount of house paint. I get bored with spaces and paint is a quick, cheap, and easy way to transform a room. So, needless to say there's been a lot of painting.

In an effort to de-clutter our garage, I had the brilliant idea to rid our shelves of those old paint cans by bagging them in what I thought were heavy duty trash bags and standing them upright for transport. I put my plastic liner in the trunk of my car and loaded them up. After I ran out of room, I put the remaining 2 sacks, upright, in my backseat.

I stopped by a local donation center to drop some other items. The helpful man there accidentally grabbed one yellow bag from the trunk and one yellow bag from the back seat. I explained to him that the yellow bags stayed in the car, so he graciously put them back. Unaware that there were paint cans in the bags, he just kinda tossed the bags back into my car; and me being in a hurry (as usual) was none the wiser.

Fast forward to picking up the youngest son from daycare and seeing thick, white liquid oozing from the trunk of my car. I panicked. Immediately, I thought, "Darnell is going to kill me!" My youngest son waltzes into the family-owned daycare and announces my debacle. The owner, who happens to be my aunt, immediately comes outside with buckets of soapy water and old towels, as I grab a roll of paper towels. I start to try to sop the paint up with my paper towels when she says, "Move girl!" while throwing the entire bucket of water on my car, "You gotta move quicker than that or this stuff is gonna dry!" Two hours, 3 adults, countless buckets, and a water hose later, the paint was off my car...well most of it.

There was still a mess in the street and in the neighbors driveway, so I followed Auntie Nessa's advice and began dousing it with buckets of water. I watched as white and yellow painted thinned and ran down the street revealing the normal gray colored asphalt beneath. As the water ran down and mixed with the paint I noticed that there were some spots that would take a lot more time and a lot more water to get out. They had set in pretty good as we tended to the car, so the traces of paint remained as I loaded up the boys and headed home to face my fate!

The thought of the water washing away most of the paint made me think about the washing of my sins. There was ALOT of paint on that street, and I've committed and will continue to commit ALOT of sins. But I've been washed mostly clean. Even though Christ died on the cross for me and I know that. Even though I know right from wrong and the Word from the world, I still have those little bits of myself that are set. Those things that will take more time and more washing, over and over again to get clean. I was reminded of my humanness and His sovereignty. With one word, God could deliver me from everything and wash me completely clean, but he doesn't. He allows those remnants of me to stain myself so that I never forget how far I've come. So that I never forget who I was, who I am, and who I am still striving to be.

Everyone reading this has some parts of themselves that just won't go away. I talk too much. I am overly opinionated. I shop unnecessarily. I'm irresponsible with money. I'm late because I have little regard for start times. I still care way too much about what other people think of me. I do things that I shouldn't do or maybe don't even really want to do because I want to be accepted. Too often, I curse, espeically when I'm angry. Sometimes, I drink more than I should. I can be condescending and a friend of mine has even revealed that I can be passive aggressive. I reflect on my past and at times feel like I'm not good enough. I allow the generational curse of divorce in my family to cause me to doubt the survival of  my own marriage. I have a hard time trusting people, even the ones I know and love. I wish that everything on this list would just go away!

But like the paint on that street will always remind my aunt and her neighbors about the day of the great paint spill. Those remnants of our old selves in the midst of our transformed selves are reminders that we need God. They are also opportunities for us to witness and testify to one another. Even though we've been washed by the blood, God still leaves us little reminders, so we remember just how far He's brought us, and how much further we still have to go.

Push It

I took a mental health day from work on Monday. I needed it. Work has been a place of disdain lately, which sucks because I love what I do. Sometimes though, the environment in which we do our work can take its toll on us. I have struggled lately to find joy in the place where I find the most happiness (or maybe vice versa, but you get the gist). I have allowed other people's negative energies and attempts to secretly attack me become a focal point, instead of using this gift that God so graciously gave me to teach and reach young minds. I've become tired.

It's hard to keep a smile on your face when you know that people are out to get you. It's hard to not snap on a student when your mind is elsewhere. It's hard to stay positive when the overall spirit of a place is one of deception and selfish gain at the expense of any and everyone else. But in this time I've found one thing, I needed to rest.

When we are unhappy in one space, it can be the result of what is happening around us, at least on the surface. But through the last few weeks, I've seen that it's also a matter of what is going on within us. The spirit is a tricky thing, and because I believe that I am a spirit who simply lives in human casing, I am a tricky being. See, when the spirit is deprived, the body has a hard time functioning. It's much like the vital necessity for nutrients or water. Spiritual nutrition is a must, and when we don't have it, the spirit becomes tired.

What I noticed was that I wasn't feeding my spirit. I was thirsty for living water. I was hungry for the bread of life. I was malnourished. Instead of making sure that I had the proper amount of nutrients to feed my soul, I was in what I thought was a comfortable space. I was in my Word sometimes. I listened to a whole lot of spirit-feeding music. I didn't watch much TV. I prayed with my kids and the hubs every night. We went to church most Sundays. We were good...I was good.

But when stuff started happening at work, I realized just how weak my spirit was. I found my attitude becoming less positive, and many students and staff rely on that energy. I was short and curt with some of the people who had made work difficult for me. Like the gradual effect Steve Urkel had on Laura, I was wearing dooowwwnnn baby!

Anyone who has started an exercise routine knows that after so long, you have to switch it up of the body becomes complacent. You won't lose those last, stubborn 10 lbs. You can't tone that one flabby spot. You can't reach any of those goals unless you ramp it up a notch. No pain, no gain.

The same thing happens in the spirit. Just like an exercise regiment has to be accompanied with proper nutrition to make all the components of our healthiest physical selves; we also have to accompany the Word with spiritual actions to develop our best spiritual selves.

Nothing in our lives or in our little personal worlds happens without divine permission. If God ain't having it, we won't experience it. This stuff happening at work is a push from my personal spiritual trainer. He is pushing me to the next level. He is taking me out of my comfort zone. He is showing me what it has to look like and sound like to face unwarranted persecution and still remain faithful. He's forcing me to ramp it up...and it hurts. There are days I don't make the goal or reach the time, but I keep coming back because I know that in the end it will all be worth it. I pray today that whatever you are facing you understand that God is pushing you. He wants you to step out of what and who you find comfort in and rest in him. He wants you to realize that growth is a process that can sometimes be painful but we have to be persistent and try to persevere. Growth in God can't stop, so situations and circumstances in our lives have to change to challenge us. There will be days that you just don't make it, or you just can't cut it. On those days, just know that if it be God's will, you can rest and start all over tomorrow. Be blessed. XOXO

Sign Your Slip

Every time my husband wants to hang out with his homies, he tells them he has to get his "permission slip" signed. I think it's hilarious. For one, he's an adult who can do what he wants, who's married to an awesome wife right? But instead of saying something simple like, "I consider my wife and just want to run it by her that this excursion of ours is not conflicting with any prior plans..." (like a true gentleman), he speaks the crazy mentioned above. LOL!

But with this silly man, God has revealed a life lesson. There are times that we try to fill some big shoes and complete some lofty tasks, like keeping it all together in less than flattering situations or maintaining humility when we want to blow our top. There are times when we want to make sure that everyone around is okay, so we sacrifice ourselves and our emotions to maintain peace for others. We stare adversity and challenges stone cold in the face, while all the while inside, we are tired, hurt, and downtrodden. We are not giving ourselves permission to feel the gambit of emotions that is welling up inside of us because we want to make sure that everyone else is taken care of.

Although this is an awesome trait, one that allows us to lead and be led and draws spirits into ours for exhortation, it can also be very dangerous. Now, I'm not saying go into a fit of rage every time you feel angry. Or cry a river of tears in any location whenever you feel sad. Or laugh uproariously at inopportune moments just because you feel like it.  However, what I am saying is to give yourself permission to simply be and get in touch with your emotions in a way that allows you to still serve as a protector and maintain the strength that others around you have come to expect and even depend on; all the while, giving yourself permission to be true to how you feel and allowing yourself the space and time to deal with it accordingly.

Often, when something bothers or upsets me, I suppress it. I do that for so long that eventually, it all comes pouring out at once and often over something more minor than the previous incidents and offenses that I let slip by without honoring the emotions they birthed. Today, give yourself permission to feel. Everyone else around you is giving themselves permission to be upset with you, to tell you how they feel, to cry on your shoulder, to do whatever they feel. You have to give yourself that same opportunity; maybe not in the same way or even in the same space, but definitely the same chance to release.

If you are a private person, excuse yourself from the situation and deal with how you are feeling. If you are an upfront or confrontational person, state the emotion that you feel when the time is right. You may not deal with it completely right then and there, but you honor the fact that the emotion is present so that you CAN deal with it in your own time and in your own way. Giving yourself permission to not always be the rock and not always be strong is giving yourself the type of human qualities that remind the ones we love that there are times that we too need a strong-tower. There are times that we too have reached our wits end. There are times when we simply need to release the myriad of emotions that lie dormant under smiles and advice and prayer that we provide to so many that we love. Sign your own slip and allow yourself to experience spiritual liberation like you never have.

Monkey See, Monkey Do

I am an 8th grade English teacher, so I see first-hand the detriments of peer pressure. I see students who are being raised by mothers and/or fathers to be one way, alter themselves to be accepted by their peers. They curse and they know better. They get sent out of class and they know better. They sag their pants or talk a certain way and they know better. I did this often as a teen and like them, I knew better. But just because we know better doesn't mean we always do better. Funny thing is, that doesn't stop when we are kids.

For the past few days, I've been in deep reflection. I've noticed that I love my friends, dearly. But I've also noticed that there are times that I compromise the best of who I am because I want to "fit in" and I am a grown woman...full grown! Now some of you will express that you are not like that and you do what you want and never succumb to the pressures of social acceptance. To you I say, touche and I strive to get there one day, but to those of you who sometimes find yourselves struggling in this area, let me say, more than I am proud to admit, I'm right there with you.

To be transparent, one of the ways I try to "fit in" is with drinking. Now don't get me wrong, I love a nice glass of a robust red wine or the crisp taste of a summer white on a hot day. But here lately, I've noticed that every celebratory and non-celebratory occasion includes a somewhat scary amount of alcohol, and I have found myself consuming more than I've ever normally found comfortable. Why? Because everyone else is doing it. 

Many of us will compromise our best selves day in and day out because we want nothing more than to be accepted.This sounds childish and immature, but it happens to the best of us. Whether we notice it or not, or choose to admit it or not, we've all been there, and will no doubt be there time and time again over the course of our adult lives. Some of us will buy cars we can't actually afford to fit in with the crowd, or move into neighborhoods where we never quite feel comfortable because it fits a social norm. Others of us will marry people we don't love because everyone else is getting married. Some of us will stick it out at a job we hate because it gives us status that other people accept. We wear things that are uncomfortable,show up at places we don't want to be, listen to and watch things that make us feel dirty and a host of other things day in and day out, against our better judgement. So much so, that eventually, it becomes our new normal.

In my quiet time over the last few days, I've realized that this deep desire for acceptance is human and natural. The strongest of us exude this faux level of confidence that says, "I'm grown and I don't do anything I don't want to do." But if we are all willing to be painfully honest, we actually have done many things that weren't our own desires because we felt it made others accept us and we all want to be accepted. However, there are ways that peer pressure can actually be a good thing, something that catapults you and I to the next level.

Peer pressure gets a bad rap. But by sheer breakdown of the words, it's a powerful force (pressure) from like people (peers). In the spirit, the words says, "Where 2 or 3 are gathered IN MY NAME, I am in their midst." (Matthew 18:20) If we are serving as the type of force that encourages a friend of ours to make positive changes and decisions in their lives, that's still peer pressure, it's just the right kind. And guess who shows up to the party? You guessed...the Big Man! Tuuurrrnnn uuuppp!

How many of us have found ourselves being positively peer pressured? I know I have. A close friend of mine told me to give myself permission to make mistakes and stop trying to be perfect all the time. I thought to myself, "What a relief!...Done Son!" Another friend of mine told me that it's okay to detach myself from what I find normal and step out of my comfort zone because it will allow me to re-prioritize and hear more clearly from God. I thought to myself, "This is scary, but okay." And in even this short time...it's working! I feel stronger already! A few of my counterparts have shown me the blessings of being a better steward with my finances and practicing self-discipline with my money. They continue to encourage me to do better, even when I continue to make silly blunders. The Word gives us specific instructions in Thessalonians 5:11, "Therefore, encourage one another and build one another up just as in fact you are doing." It's not always a bad thing to be influenced by those around you. When it's in God's way, it's actually the best thing. Take some time today to ask yourself, who in my camp pressures me into positivity? Surround yourself with them and allow them to pressure you into the place that God is taking you. Be blessed. XOXO

Mission Possible

One day, I was on my way to work. It was an early winter morning, which meant it was still fairly dark outside. As I exited the off-ramp, in the left-turn lane, I approached a car with its left signal blinking. However, the closer I got to the car, the more perplexed I became. I quickly switched lanes once I realized...the car was not moving. After I made my left turn, jovially headed to work I felt a level of conviction. I felt compelled to inform the driver about their missing hazard light. I mean after all, I'm late to work most days of the week, why break the streak today? So, with little reluctance, I made a swift U-turn.

When getting back to the scene, I parked my car a ways up from the off-ramp, a few meters from the right-turn exit lane. I turned on my hazards and darted back toward the stalled station wagon. As I was running, oblivious to anything but the copper colored car in front of me, another car exited the right-turn ramp and came to an abrupt stop. Why? Because I was jogging across the street paying no attention to the fact that I was crossing the right turn lane of an off-ramp!

That car was close enough to me that my fingertips brushed against its warm hood. Without breaking stride, I waved my hand and yelled a quick "My bad!" so that I could get over to this car. They yelled an early morning expletive that I had no time to entertain and sped on their angry way.

When I reached the stalled car, I found an older lady sitting there with her interior light on reading. I tapped on the window and said, "Only one of your hazards is working, so it looks like you are about to actually turn left."

As if a light bulb had gone off over her head, she responded, "I wondered why people were getting so close to this car before they switched over to that other lane." Waving her hand and shaking her head, she closed her book and said, "I thought it was just because it's early, and people ain't all the way right when it's early."  We both laughed and then racked our brains for a quick second to devise a plan.

She had no flares, no cones, and no flashlight. It was cold out and she drove a station wagon, so lifting her trunk was a terrible idea. We finally settled on raising her hood. The sun was starting to peak over the horizon, so we had faith that would do the trick for the next wave of cars to exit until her nephew arrived. She said she was glad she charged her cell phone the night before or she wouldn't have known what to do. I agreed. I asked her if she wanted to wait in my car so that she could be out of harms way with late-to-work morning commuters potentially speeding off that ramp. She refused and told me to get my "little tail" to work. We both laughed some more. She thanked me. I thanked her. And we parted ways.

Later in my car, I thought about how close that other car had gotten to me as I running to her. I thought about the fact that I literally could have been hit by a car...but God! With that came this thought: When we are about God's business and obedient to the directions He gives us, nothing can stop us from reaching our goals. When we make a choice to do what we feel Him telling us to do, and block out all other noise and distractions, we are focused on His mission. Doing His work when He says is  a sure bet to protection from hurt, harm, and danger. It won't always be easy or pleasant (because it was colder than a polar bear's toe nails that morning), but God says in His word, "Touch not my anointed." (Psalm 105:15) When He anoints us to do anything, small or large, nothing can stop us. Be blessed. XOXOX

Life as we know it...

"I know the plans I have for you..." Jeremiah 29:11

When we wake up each and every morning, we have a plan for our lives. We have an agenda, no matter how loosely or meticulously followed. However, how many of us can honestly say that we run a check by God on that agenda? I know that most often…I don’t.

And it’s interesting because even though we don’t consult God, He’s ever present in each and every day. The day that it rains and it makes our commute to work slower than normal, we don’t stop to thank God for the rain…the rain that promotes growth and change. The co-worker that rubs us the wrong way and makes us give them the side-eye AND the stank face, we don’t stop to pray and allow God to remind us of what we asked Him to help us work on (gentleness, patience, kindness, you get the point). The child who makes poor decisions in school, but not realizing that a big part of who they are is fashioned after who we are, (whether we like it or not) and thanking God for our praying parents and guardians. Instead, we see God’s pop-up reminders as interruptions.

But what if we really, truly let God interrupt our schedule? What if we allowed each day to come and go as it may with our loose plans in hand but the truism of God in our hearts? What if we started each day with something as simple as this: God, I know what I have planned for today, but You know the plans You have for me, so when you pop-up, help me roll with it because we all know that you are much better at being in charge than I am. AMEN!

I bet if we tried to seek advice before our agendas were set into motion, we would be less frazzled when things don’t go as planned and more accepting of the fact that the Master’s plan is much, much better than anything we could have ever imagined. Be blessed. XOXO

Forever...ever?

Andre 3000, of the infamous hip hop duo OutKast, asks this question in the hit smash “Sorry Ms. Jackson.” There are times, in my marriage, that I feel the EXACT same way. I look at my husband sometimes and I’m like “WHO ARE YOU?!?” Crazy thing is, I know, beyond a shadow of any doubt, he’s felt the same way. The truth of the matter is that marriage is a lot like home ownership. Yep. I know. You’re wondering, “Where is this going?” but hear me out. 

Okay so the “American” dream is to own a home, so people are going crazy to buy one. But the truth of the matter is that no one tells you about all of the WORK that goes into owning a home. Yes it is an investment in something that SHOULDN’T depreciate (see economic collapse of 2008 and the still inadequate property value of most American homes). But with that investment comes much headache. First, it is quite expensive. There are fees and taxes and warranties and insurance and homeowners associations. Whew! Then, it’s time consuming. The yard must be mowed. The snow must be shoveled. Broken things must be fixed and YOU have to do it. And lastly, most mortgages seem like FOREVER!

Marriage is the same way. It is an honorable institution, so a bunch of people WANT to do it. The dresses are pretty. The rings are sparkly. The pictures and social media sharing are so awesome. And let’s face it, the sex is great (or at least it should be, but we’ll address that topic later). But no one tells us that marriage is WORK! It is expensive. We invest our emotional selves into another person and expect the same from them, which is why disappointment in a marriage is so common and so impactful. It’s time consuming. Adequate amounts of time have to be given to the spiritual self, the spouse self, the parent self, the personal self, the employee self, and the who knows what else self. With such a long list of selves, it’s easy to get off balance and even omit some at times. And when the balance is off…look out below! Things. Get. REAL! Not to mention… marriage is supposed to be FOREVER! Forever, ever?

The thing about marriage that makes it so hard is the fact that we never intended that it would be. We come into this thing in a blissful state. No matter what the populous tells us, things DO and SHOULD change after marriage. Boyfriends are not husbands and fiancees are not wives. The truth of the matter is that the expectation of who you are and what you do should change once vows are made. Why? Because if they didn’t, what would be the point of getting married? There’d be none. And courts and lawyers would make a lot less money off divorce! Since there is a change in what is expected, disappointment is much easier to accomplish. And because we are in this thing for the long haul, disappointment is lot more frequent. However, there is good news.

Marriage is a covenant between two people and God (see Genesis 2). So, when we entered the marriage we were actually entering into a triangular agreement. The cool thing about this triangle is that God is the bank from which we took out this loan called a spouse. Our spouse was gifted to us and entrusted to us, but both we and they are still human, so sometimes it can feel more like a curse than a gift. But when we remember that God is the ultimate head of this union, we are reminded that He forgave it all on the cross, yet we disappoint Him daily. So, who are we to expect greater honor of our spouses to ourselves that what we ourselves give to God?!? Who do we think we are?!

Marriages that are making it (and are honestly making it, not faking it or staying together for ulterior motives) know that the real sustaining source is neither themselves nor their spouse. It is the constant communication with God as the head. When our life balance is off and we don’t give Him the time He needs, we can’t deal with the pressures and problems that present themselves in our marriage. That’s not saying that just because you seek God and know God and have faith in God and commune with God that you won’t see problems. It also doesn’t meant that marriage stops being hard. Paul tells us real plain and simple that “Those who marry will face many troubles in this life…” (1^st Corinthians 7:28) However, what it does mean is that God’s presence in a marriage allows that couple to overcome the unthinkable and look back with a testimonial union of hills and valleys through all of which they were accompanied…by the Most High. Be blessed. XOXO

Blackness

So the other day, a friend of mine, myself, and other friends, got into a very heated discussion about the plight of blackness in America. Essentially, one friend made the point that black men have a greater struggle than black women. I immediately became defensive. As I spoke with vehemence and statistics, I realized that his recants were still aimed at the GREATER struggle. I realized…he wasn’t listening. He wasn’t listening because my rebuttal to his original statement was this -“To simply be black in America, whether male or female, is a struggle within itself.” 

So, I began to wonder if he might have been on to something. Is one’s struggle greater than the other? Is the black man in the most desolate position between the two? There’s no way I could agree with that. Why? Because I see very few children being raised by single, black fathers. Because although it is on the rise, I see fewer black women dating and marrying outside of their race than black men. Because black women are objectified in the misogynistic realm of rap music with lyrics that speak only to the glory of her anatomy and ability to provide sexual pleasure with rare, if ever, mention of her spiritual capacity and womanly worth. Yet, according to recent statistics black women are the most educated demographic group and are quickly rising to positions of power in the workforce. Why? Because many black women function with this frame of mind: Make moves or get out of the way.

With that, I also see black men being senselessly gunned down by one another and the very men who are sworn to protect them. I see black men being given extended prison sentences for minor offenses. I see black men being criminalized by the media and berated by their own women. I see black men being overlooked for promotions, passed by taxi cabs, and psychologically and spiritually down-trodden by the chaos that generations have handed down to them. As if that’s not enough, I see black children without guidance because mothers are tired and fathers are absent and drugs are rampant and TVs are prominent and song lyrics are dominant and politicians are crafty and babies are hungry and rent is due and guns are nearly free and life…life is simply kicking their asses.

People probably think that Christians don’t talk like that, but we do. We do because we are human. We do because it is when we see the reality of ourselves we cry out. We do because we serve a God who has allowed tumult into our lives and we have yet to grow and learn from it. And I remember…I remember God’s promises.

He says to me in his word that “In this life there will be trouble, but take heart!” (John 16:33) He’s telling me to trust him, no matter how hard it is. He says to me “I know the plans I have for you, plans to prosper you and not to harm you.”(Jeremiah 29:11) He’s telling me that he has it, so instead of freaking out, I can try to chill out. He calls unto to me to “Draw nearer to Him and He will draw nearer to me.” (James 4:8)  He’s telling me that I can’t believe in Him and let Him handle it if I’m not close enough to Him to trust Him. The truth of the matter is that the argument at the inception of this piece is null and void. We were told by divine word that in this life there will be trials. With that alone it is understood that no one struggle is greater than another. In short, to simply be black in America is a struggle within itself. 

Daddy Dearest

So today, I asked a co-worker, who recently was blessed with a beautiful baby girl, how she was doing. “She’s awesome!” he replied, as his cheeks flushed red and his eyes welled a bit. I thought to myself, “I remember that feeling when my boys were first born.” And then it dawned on me. There are times where we as mothers have a tendency to downgrade the emotional attachment of fathers to children. Some of us have been guilty of the “I can do this by myself, so I don’t need you mentality.” Others of us have been on the “You don’t want to pay child support or do right by me (or my standards), then you can’t see your children!” And yet many of us, myself included, fall victim to the “You didn’t carry this baby for 9 months and deliver them for (insert # of hours you spent in painful labor) so don’t tell me about my kids!”

It’s interesting though. Fathers, real true fathers, have just as much of an emotional stake in the life of a child as mothers do. It doesn’t look the same or sound the same, and to most children, it doesn’t even feel the same. But as we know from historical precedent, same isn’t the SAME as equal (see what I did there). See, a father’s love is one that we as women know nothing about. For them, the act of creating life is a wonder in and of itself. Seeing that an act that is perpetuated as simply “pleasure-seeking” has led to a shift in perspective and priorities is an awesome wonder for men to behold. For them to work now not only for material gain in the form of cars, clothes, and crap; they now see the purchase of pampers or the investment in a college-fund as the necessity to their grind.

It makes me think about how my heavenly father sees me. Sometimes, he can be very fatherly. I can go to His Word and get much advice. Other times, he will seem distant, and I feel as though he might not care for me as much as those on earth do because I can’t feel his presence. But that’s when he is at work. He is working on my behalf and investing life lessons in me that will shape me and mold me into the person he created me to be.

Ephesians 6:2 instructs children to honor both their mothers AND their fathers. As women, we have to remember that fathers were created in His image and that much of how they interact with our children is in the way that He designed them. It is important to recognize the intricate, yet purposeful, balance that God created when he made children derive from both a mother AND a father. He intended that child have the best of both worlds. So back off a bit. Stop showing him that he’s doing it “wrong”. Let him express his love, adoration, and affection for his children in the best way…by being the man that God created him to be. Be blessed. XOXOX

Facing Your Past

So over the weekend, I had the opportunity to hang out at my alma mater. I loved my college days, and some special people came along with that. In the midst of reconnecting with old friends, I had some candid conversations with an old flame. The term flame is fitting here. I am a married woman, and as much as one would like to believe that attractions disappear, I’m no fool and those who play with fire…well, you know the rest.

In the midst of these talks, I was able to honestly see the blessing in my experience with him and how it helped prepare me to be the wife that I am today. The details of that relationship aren’t necessary, but the current reality of it is. I was afraid that if I saw him I would jeopardize my marriage or find myself in a compromising position if I wasn’t careful, but the truth of the matter is that facing him showed me that God has kept me, even when I didn’t know it. 

I have to say that God blessed me with the vision to see that experience was necessary in my past. God assured me that my husband was indeed a blessing. After that time in my life, He gave me the comfort in knowing that he was for me and I was for him, but we both had some things to face, to accept, to overcome. He showed me my true self, so that I could be the best me before becoming one with someone else. Sometimes, it takes looking at your past blunders and hiccups face to face to realize that God was working in it all along. Sometimes it takes facing your past to see just how far you’ve come. 

As I look back over my life, I see that Romans 8:28, my favorite verse since the passing of my mother, is true. All things have worked together for my good. I haven’t liked all the things. I haven’t agreed with all the things. I haven’t been proud of all the things. But when I put ALL the things together, the “then” and the “now”, I know that they have all shaped and molded me into who I am today. Regrets are only worth having if you reap the rewards. I wish I could say I’ve lived a life with no regrets, but that’s not true. There are plenty of things I’d do differently if I could. But the grace of God is in knowing that He allowed it all for who He was, and still is, creating me to be.

I Do What I Want

One of my favorite scenes from the movie The Lion King is when Mufasa, the father, is having a conversation with Simba, the son. Simba went to the elephant graveyard with his friend Nala, even though his father told him not to go. Upon discovering his son’s transgression, Mufasa has a conversation with Simba in which he states, in a deep and gruff voice with a super stern fatherly type of tone, “SIMBA! You deliberately disobeyed me!” The word deliberately is bold for emphasis. If you’ve seen the film, you know why. If you haven’t, there’s no shame in being an adult and partaking in one of the GREATEST movies ever! But today I want to talk about disobedience.

First, let’s establish a clear definition of disobedience. To be disobedient requires the prior knowledge of obedience. Meaning, you have to know what is expected of you and then choose not to do it. So disobedience is an informed choice, not an accident. Now that we have a clear definition…

Oftentimes, we pretend we don’t know what God is calling us to do because we are simply scared to do it. I am in a season of life right now where God is showing me how long I’ve been disobeying Him. He gave me clear instructions a looonnnggg time ago, and what did I do? I did what I wanted to do, not what God was telling me, or calling me to do. Why? Because I was scared. Scared of how people would view me; scared of who or what I may lose; and to be quite honest, I’m still scared, but I’m walking…stumbling a little, but definitely trying harder to walk His way. But enough about me…

Disobedience comes from pride and selfishness. We walk in disobedience because we want something better (so we think) for ourselves. We want to be in control, so we try to keep what we want. Get rid of what is easy. And all the while, we are convincing ourselves that it’s not a big deal. But that doesn’t line up with God’s plan.

When we walk in disobedience, we have to be confronted. We must ask ourselves a few questions like: Is God pleased by me? Or is He grieved by me? Is God texting Jesus and the Holy Spirit like, “Somebody come and look at this…smh…”?

When we walk in disobedience, we find ourselves going back to the same things and the same behaviors that we swore we were delivered from. When we walk in disobedience, we lie (to ourselves and others). What we say/tell people and what our actions are don’t line up with God’s commands when we are disobedient.

Disobedience not only leads to lying but it also promotes blaming. In the movie Soul Food (yes I like movies, sue me!), Big Mama tells her family that when they point the finger at someone else, there’s only one finger going that direction and three more are pointing back at us. None of us want to blame ourselves for anything, it’s human nature. We want to blame everyone else because it’s more comfortable. When people confront us about how we are not walking in God’s way, we want to make excuses or try to prove them wrong or even point out how they themselves aren’t walking in the light so they can get out of ours! Can I get a witness?

But we must remember, without God we are nothing. Yet we want to act like we are really doing something when we know good and well we are NOT at all doing what He is telling us to do. When we disobey, we often refuse to accept the fact that we are wrong. We want to put the attention on what we perceive as right. We like to hit God with, “I know I’m not doing everything I’m supposed to be, but at least…” It’s like saying you can at least accept my sacrifice, even if it’s not whole? We must remember that obedience is better than any sacrifice because obedience is total submission. 

Shut Up

So often in my marriage, I find myself saying to the hubs, “You’re not listening to me.” The truth is, whether he refutes my accusation or not, a lot of the time…he isn’t. Why? Well, there are a ton of reasons, one of which is simply this: I talk too much. For a woman, even the quietest of sorts, talking is healing. Talking is laughter. Talking is life. Talking is a whole bunch of who we are because words express emotion and by nature, we are emotional beings. But sometimes, we gotta know when to simply SHUT UP! It’s not mean or rude, but the truth. A person is a lot more likely to listen when they miss the sound of your voice. If we are constantly running our mouths, be it to vent about our day, ask about which shoes go best with which shirt, tell someone how to live their lives by soliciting a most often unwarranted opinion, then of course when we speak, the listening is minimal…We’re always talking!

Now some of us are like, “This one isn’t for me because I don’t talk that much.” And maybe you are right. But just take a minute to think about when you DO talk. What are you saying? Would anyone give a rats tail about the content? Is it building people up or tearing people down? When you DO open your mouth, what in the world is coming out of it? The answer to these questions can still lend itself to you not being heard and you STILL needing the simplistic advice that is in the title: Shut up sometimes.

The book of Proverbs speaks often about the benefit of being quiet. It tells us that being quiet allows us to receive God’s word. It tells us that being quiet is a sign of seeking wisdom and seeking wisdom is to seek God so the quieter we are the more in-tune we allow ourselves to be with the Lord.  It tells us that venting is not always the best thing to do and sometimes we simply need to keep some things to ourselves.

I’m a talker. Period. My oldest son is one as well (he will talk an auctioneer under the table okay!). So, if you are anything like me, it’s lessons like these, the ones that are in stark contrast to our natural selves that we will continue to have to learn…over and over and over again. My mouth has gotten me into trouble since I was first able to speak. I’ve learned more over the years about when to speak and when not, but it’s still an honest to the Lord daily struggle for me. I’ve increased tension in my home and within my marriage by running my mouth, but the book of Exodus tells me “The Lord will fight for you, and you have only to be silent.” (14:4) I’ve hurt friends by simply “speaking my mind” (A fool gives full vent to his spirit, but a wise man quietly holds it back. Proverbs 29:11). I’ve even been blessed with a new job when my old job probably got tired of hearing my mouth (The wise of heart will receive commandments, but a babbling fool will come to ruin. Proverbs 10:8)!

 Solomon told us in Eccelsiastes that there is a time for everything. Specifically, he said “There is a time to speak and a time to listen.” Silence connects us to God. Quietness can keep us from making situations worse.  Shutting UP can prevent us from shutting others OUT. It’s important that we as Christians spend a lot less time talking. That way when we do speak up for righteousness, people might actually want to listen to what we have to say.  

Stuck like Chuck

Have you ever wondered why you still have the same issues or struggles that you’ve been praying about for sooooo long? Me too. I wonder why I talk so much. I wonder why when no one asks my opinion, I give it to them anyway. I wonder why I shop for clothes and shoes when I need neither, but simply want more. I wonder why I say hurtful things to people I love when I’m super angry. I wonder why…

Well, sometimes, when our wonders are genuine and heartfelt, they are actually not wonders at all. They’re prayers in disguise. When we wonder without ceasing and carry these questions in our hearts, a heart where God dwells, we sometimes receive revelation.

One of the reasons that God allows us to live in the same struggle is to humble us. If we had it all together, we wouldn’t need God. If we had it all together…we’d be God! The truth of the matter is not having it all together keeps us from becoming proud and arrogant. The word says in Proverbs 11:2 that “when pride comes, then comes disgrace, but with humility comes wisdom”. If that’s the case, we have to have our issues in tow to keep us humble and to help us gain true wisdom, which is knowledge of the Lord.

Another reason that we keep some of our issues is because it makes us relational. There is an age old adage that says, “No man is an island,” and I believe this to be true. We all need someone to connect with and relate to. When we have issues that others have gone through or continue to share with us, we are able to witness to one another and become “living testimonies” to one another. It feels good to know that someone else has been where we are and may even be still there. It confirms for us that we are normal and human and, even with all our crazy issues, godly.

And maybe God allows us keep some of our struggles or maintain some of our issues because it forces us to seek Him and rely on Him and depend on Him. Maybe He affirms for us what Paul says that in 2^nd Corinthians 12:9-11: ⁹ But He said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. ¹⁰ That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.”

So, take heart and know that we are imperfect beings made perfect through God’s grace and mercy. He wants us to be reminded that we are flawed because it keeps us connected to Him. In Him we are made new…so hold on to the struggles you face and the issues that plague you, the ones you just can’t seem to shake. Hold on to them until, and if ever, God removes them. Until then, be humble, connect with others, and delight in your weakness.

Dew You Boo

Dew You Boo

As I was walking outside of work the other day, the dew drops on a leaf stopped me in my tracks. I’m not a nature buff by any stretch, but walking outside gives me a chance to get in touch with God’s creations, some of which I can live without! Anyhoozit, I paused and took a picture of the well-defined drops of water, sitting atop an old, brown leaf. The leaf was clearly no longer on the tree it once belonged to. It sat in the grass all alone, covered by itty-bitty puddles of water.

“…but his favor is as dew upon the grass.” Proverbs 19:12b

I thought about my life, my journey. I have been that old, brown leaf. There have been times that my spirit has been dried up inside of me and I have no idea how I am sustaining. There are times that I am a walking zombie going through the ins and outs of life with no real directions. There have been times that I have done everything I wanted to do and nothing that God has called me to do. I am that old, brown leaf.

“Because of the Lord’s great love we are not consumed, for his compassions never fail.²³ They are new every morning;  great is your faithfulness.” Lamentations 3:22-23

There are times that I may be that old, brown leaf. There are times that you have been that old, brown leaf. Ugly on the outside. Dried up on the inside. But because of God’s love, you were able to hold on. Your circumstances were not able to destroy you. What happened around you and to you didn’t kill you. And like the dew on the grass, God’s mercy was fresh upon you. He kept you, just like, so many times, He’s kept me. He was faithful, even when we weren’t because we didn’t know how to be or simply chose not to be.

 "Therefore may God give you of the dew of heaven, of the fatness of the earth, and plenty of grain and wine." Genesis 27:28

It’s crazy to me that God chooses to love us the way that He does. It’s odd to me that the Most High, supreme being, with all power and might is like, “I love you guh!” ME? Why? Honestly, I have no idea why he loves this little, old, raggedy, brown leaf, but I am thankful that His dew rests upon me and gives me what I need, each and every day.