Off Track

My homegirl and I were talking the other day, "spirit feeding" as I like to call it. She revealed to me that she felt like there was a moment in her life where she got off track. I asked her to explain to me why she felt that way, and after much discussion, I sent her this picture:

I asked her if what she saw related to life at all. She said, "Yeah I see life like you can take different paths." Then, I asked her how a train might travel along these tracks. She said, "The train would just follow the tracks or jump off the tracks if there wasn't an engineer, right?" 

BINGO! 

I asked her to think about her word choice, "off track". Then, I reminded her that as long as God is her engineer, it is IMPOSSIBLE to go off track. Every track on the journey of our lives is divergent. Each track spins off another or leads back to the main one. So even when we veer, we are never "off track." Our lives are predestined. God's plan for our lives will be fulfilled, regardless of setbacks, mistakes, challenges, or changes.

It's kind of like when my younger twin brothers learned to crawl. They were fat and wobbly. After a few close calls with the corners in the hallway, I would literally crawl over them...for hours. I'd make them take turns by sitting one in a playpen and letting the other roam, while I positioned myself above them, crawling along, anticipating their every move. Sometimes, before they even knew what was happening, I would scoop them up and turn them away from the wall. I never stopped them from where they were headed. They were going to arrive exactly where they were supposed to go. However, when they changed their course, I was right there to make sure that the destination was still ahead.

It's no different with God. We make a mistake. He's still there and we will still arrive where He planned for us to go. We missed an opportunity. The tracks head that direction and later, He presents another opportunity for us to head closer to our destiny. Do our choices in the tracks sometimes extend our journey? Yes. Can it prolong our suffering? Mm-hmm. But does taking a different path to the destination move the destination? Nope...not at all.

Where we often make our mistake is that we put a time stamp on life. Certain things are supposed to happen by a certain time. If they don't, we have messed up somehow. We've ruined it. Our lives are not what they should be. We are not where we are supposed to be. That's a lie! You are right where you are supposed to be at this appointed time. Although it doesn't always feel good or things don't always look good, nothing that has happened to this point is in vain. You might have to re-prioritize, re-position, or simply renew your mind, but you are where you belong. Stay the course and Be Blessed XOXO

Ordain, order, obey

Honestly, I have the hardest time hearing God. I mean, life is full of noise and distraction. I don't make time, quiet, uninterrupted, sacred time for God like I should. So much has been going on, and I'm not sure how I feel about talking to God with such attention right now. I'm kind of nervous about how it might make me feel; what it might make me do; who I might realize I am...it all sounds kind of strange, but these are real emotions, and real reasons that we can sometimes stay away from the true conversations we need to have with the Most High.

However, so many of us are seeking answers. We wonder why we haven't seen that financial breakthrough? Why are we still on this same ole tired job? Why aren't we married? Why are our children acting a fool? Why are we enduring this pain? Why are people around us hurting? Why are we here? What is the purpose of this thing called life?

Taking the time to talk to God will help us reveal the answers to our questions, while also giving us more clear direction in life. Through conversations with God, we are given guidance that often appears like this: Ordain, Order, and Obey

Ordain: There is a calling on your life. You were put here for a reason. You have a job to do. People are counting on you. When you sit still long enough or focus hard enough, you get glimpses of it. Some of us are walking in it, and think that's it, but there is more, so much more. We are ordained to fulfill a mission that was predestined before we even got here. But in order for us to do our jobs, we have to report for duty.

Order: When we are ordained, we are ordered to do certain things. God will have us go certain places, connect with certain people, do certain things. Sometimes, we think it's coincidence or that it's happen's chance, but in reality, it's order. There are other times when we are told to do things. We feel it in our Spirit. We SHOULD do, say, be whatever we are being told, but we often ignore the order. Sometimes, without really even meaning to, we try to escape what we are destined to do.

Obey: Much like running from a mother with a belt in hand ready to tear that tail up, you can run all you want, but she's gonna getcha! Same with God. He's chilling! He told you what to do, and one day, somehow, whether you come around or get dragged around, you WILL do it! And this, friends, is what we call obedience. I know that I've run from what I am supposed to do a MANY times. It was too much, too hard, too soon. I wasn't ready, didn't have all my ducks in a row, wasn't really "feeling" it. God was like, "Ah yeah? That's what we on? So you doing what you wanna do? Okay. Go 'head. But I bet you gone do it because you are mine and I said so. It will be done. Please believe me." I mean, quite honestly, it's easier for us to obey upfront instead of causing ourselves all this drama, but...well...we can all be kinda "sometimey" when it comes to living the way God intends.

I don't know what God has put in your heart to do, what has been dropped in your Spirit to pursue, but stop. Stop ignoring the call. Stop fearing what will change or who won't like it. Stop. Stop wondering about so much and start to ask. Stop running from your calling and start doing what you need to do, being who you were called to be. Stop existing without purpose or vision. Start allowing your steps to be ordered. Stop being disobedient and just start doing what you know you need to do or asking what you need to do if you are legitimately confused. You've been ordained. God is giving you orders. It's time to obey and watch yourself Be Blessed. XOXO

Mid-Life Discovery

Have you ever heard someone express that they are in a mid-life crisis? Do you believe that you are in one yourself? It's possible. But I challenge some of you to look at where you really are. Is it a crisis? Or is it a quest toward discovery?

A crisis is a crazy time. In crisis, one is often reactionary. When the body enters a crisis, it is all out of whack, not acting as it should because it is in such a confused state. Our lives aren't much different. In a time of crisis, we will often act out of character because our lives are out of whack. We are confused and lack direction. In a crisis, you might find yourself lashing out at loved ones. You might make poor financial decisions. In my mind, a mid-life crisis can be likened to a man buying a motorcycle, getting a box of Just for Men, and chasing after younger women. Why? Because they are in a crazy time of confusion about getting older.

On the other hand, a mid-life discovery can have some of the same components, but it is much more purposeful. During this time, we might question God's plan for our lives. We might reflect on where we have been and wonder what's next. We are confused because we don't know the next step or the "right" path. But, a discovery is normally prompted by a yearning. That yearning is what leads us on a quest toward discovery. It can be a little scary because it is complicated and uncomfortable and most of all, it lacks concrete timing. When you don't know how long you will aimlessly float about life, it can be frustrating and SUPER annoying.

When we recognize that we need these times of confusion to seek clarity and appreciate confirmation, we are actually growing...discovering. To live a life where you always have all the answers is not to live. Quite frankly, if we had all the answers, there would be no need for God! Living life isn't always safe and isn't always sure. Life is full of both risks and rewards. Risk is a part of discovery. Failure is a part of discovery. Humility can be a part of discovery. People on the sidelines of your quest can offer you either help or hindrance, but none of them can take the journey for you. That said, faith is the key to discovery.

No matter what mountains you climb on this quest, what dragons you slay, who you meet along the way, or the princesses you may save; understand that in due time, it will all work together for your good. This is what it means to have the faith. God sent you on this journey of life. Yearning in the Spirit is a message from God, guiding you to a new place spiritually, financially, even physically. Only He knows where you are headed and only you can go! Let Him be a light unto your path as you set out on a quest to discover your best self in His name. Be Blessed XOXO

Accept My Peace

A sign of spiritual maturity is acceptance. To accept God's will is to understand how powerless we are compared to Him. God gives and takes away. God provides and withholds. God is merciful, yet he will teach us. Because of God's sovereignty, we are sometimes caught off-guard...

That's where I am right now. What is happening right now has left me helpless in a way that is unfamiliar to me. When my siblings are in a bind, even since before my mom died, I've been able to help them "fix" it. When they were little, I changed diapers, prepared bottles, and bounced wailing babies. As they got older, it was homework, the desire to grow their hair, a fight at school, or shoot, most often, a fight with one another. And now, in their adulthood, it's questions about relationships, careers...life. Regardless, I have the answers. I have the fix. I am their Olivia Pope, their gladiator! No matter how annoyed I can get with them, or them with me; I am their protector, their advisor, their advocate.

In the last few weeks, God has revealed to me that this position comes with limitations. There will be times that He allows things to befall them that I simply cannot fix. This is hard. It makes me question life. It makes me question God. I even find myself feeling guilty. In the moments I've tried to continue with "normal" life, I have felt like laughter is betrayal. Living isn't fair. Peace is perplexing.

But then I feel the Spirit, reminding me that peace, and all that it entails, doesn't come from me. Sometimes, in the midst of our storms, we hold ourselves hostage in the prison of pain. We refuse to take advantage of the moments of release. God wants us to feel the brunt of all that we are allowed to endure. After all, the test of trials come to make us strong. However, God also wants us to let Him in. I've felt that.

When the tears are gone, I wonder why I've stopped crying. Then, I am reminded that it will all work out. When the worries subside, even if only for a short time, I wonder why my mind is still. Then, I am reminded that God provides a peace that surpasses all understanding. I've been here before. This helpless, powerless place. I don't have the fix; I definitely lack answers; yet I have peace. It's not always noticeable, but it is always there. It doesn't always dominate how I feel, but still, it is there.

Maybe you are in a storm today. If so, there are times you may have to will yourself out of bed, or times you can't see past the pain. But, there are also those seconds, moments, or even days where you are blessed with a piece of peace. Accept it. There will be enough days filled with tears, hurt, and sorrow. Any moment that you can feel the comfort of God, take it. Without questioning, without guilt, with nothing but the pure faith that His reassurance is upon you. Be Blessed XOXO

Ole' Ungrateful Kids

The holidays are upon us. It's generally my favorite time of year. Why? Because people seem to be nicer, happier, more loving. Something about this time of year makes things seem a bit better, even if they aren't at all what we'd like.

In my home, with the holidays, come gift requests. I like asking my kids what they want or giving them a toy ad to circle through. It's fun! And I remember my mom hyping us up every year when we were little, even if she couldn't afford anything on that list.

But for the past 2 years, I have had some real conversations with my children about their blessings. I've told them that they have so much to be thankful for and that there are some kids who don't have basic needs met. Yet, here they are with so much! So much love, so much provision, so much stuff!

On the car ride home the other day, I asked my sons and my niece to "remind me" about what they wanted for Christmas. They couldn't wait! Talking over each other, apologizing, agreeing, questioning one another's choices. Finally, I asked them how often they still played with the toys they all got last year. SILENCE! After a while, I antagonized them with, "Ummm..I'm waiting!"

My youngest son said, "Mama I play with my superheroes some of the time but that other stuff just got a little boring."

My niece said, "Weeelll, I play with some of my toys some of the time, but...I mean I just have my favorites and don't really play with the rest."

Then, very candidly, my oldest son said, "I'll be honest, I only play with my remote control car, my Nerf gun, and any ball, but mostly, I just play my video games."

So, I followed up, "Well why are ya'll asking for all of these toys if ya'll are only going to play with them for a little while and then get bored with them and stop playing with them?"

Almost all at once, accompanied with laughter and an unspoken "DUH", they all replied, "Because it's Christmas!"

All I could do is laugh and tease them with, "Ole ungrateful little kids!"

That's when it dawned on me...so am I.

God blesses me abundantly. Yet, here I am, greedy as ever, still asking for more. He gives me a job, but I want a raise. I have clothes and shoes FOR DAYS, but still shop for the latest threads. He gives me gifts and talents, but I still wish I could sing! God has given me so much, that I am a spoiled brat who often looks past my blessings to focus on what I lack, which is very little. God has put me through the fire, time and time again. But, I've also been kept and provided for in ways that others can't imagine. For the trek to the top of every one of my mountains, God has given me rest. God has graced me and bestowed upon me more than I deserve. So, who am I to continue to ask Him for more? As the old song goes, "If the Lord doesn't do anything else for me...He's done enough."

Sometimes, we spend way to much time "making our list" of things to petition God for, when we haven't even taken the time to appreciate the things He's already given! We want more than what we need. We ask for things we aren't even ready for. We get upset when we don't get what we want, not understanding that everything that we want, isn't what we need. When is the last time you took inventory of what God has done? Where's that list? Where is the "thank you" instead of the "please"? God has many of us spoiled beyond measure and we therefore, without even knowing, can act ungrateful. But much like me with those ole ungrateful kids in my car, He smiles or laughs and continues to love and provide for us, despite ourselves...and for that, we should ALL be grateful. Happy Holidays and Be Blessed XOXO

My Heart...

Sometimes, life can throw us a curve ball. Things appear to be going well, then all of a sudden...trouble. It's the inevitable part of life; we will ALL have trials. Some of them will be minor, others major, but regardless, they are going to come.

Such was the case a few weeks ago. While on a weekend shopping trip with my sister, my baby boy hurt himself on the playground at school. As the teacher was taking him in to tend to his wound, his small hand was crushed in the metal, pin-code entry door. My husband, in his fatherly wisdom, was sure that the bandage was enough. However, he thought to take our son by his aunt's house for a second opinion. After taking one look, she confirmed that the ER was the only option.

Upon their arrival, they took his vitals, assessed his injury, and prepped him for a minor out-patient surgery to treat a deep laceration and compound fracture. During the assessment, they believed they heard a murmur in his heart, so they referred him to the cardiologist the following day. My husband delivered all the details and the time of the next day's appointment. That afternoon, I tried to wait for him to call me, but it was taking longer than I could stand, so I called him. He told me that things went okay, but they might want to have him schedule an MRI for a closer look. I could tell in his voice that something wasn't quite right, but I didn't pry.

When I got back home, I hugged all the Smithboyz, and we got in bed. Once both boys were sleep, we transitioned them into their own beds. I hugged my husband once more (because I missed that dude), but the way he squeezed me back was abnormal. Something was off. Then, he delivered gut-wrenching news. The doctors found a hole in my son's heart. From what they could tell, it has caused one side of his heart to become larger than the other as the blood isn't flowing as it should from one side. He would definitely need an MRI and more than likely, open-heart surgery.

It took me but a brief moment to release the tears. I had no words. He's normal. He's fine. How could this happen? Why him? Why us? What does all this mean? They want to cut my baby open and tamper with his heart? HIS HEART?!? At this point, the floodgates are open. My body is convulsing, and a wave of anger washes over me. I take a trip down memory lane and ask God when we'll get a break. Then, something new happened.

The anger subsided quickly. The questions remained. But the perspective changed. I prayed: God, I don't get it. I don't know that I will, but whatever you want me and my family to get out of this, please don't let us miss it. Please assure me. Help me to trust you. Grow my faith in your promises to me and my family. Lord please keep him. Please bless his life. Please. And as I sat there begging God, crying out to him while sitting criss-cross applesauce in the middle of my bed, feeling sad, mad, scared, and helpless, God comforted me. The tears still flowed, but there was an inexplicable comfort.

The next day wasn't much better. The day after that was a little easier, maybe because the whole family stayed home from school and work and just hung out. As these few weeks have gone by, I have seen a few changes in me that only God can take the credit for. I'm still worried. I'm still scared. But I'm not angry. I'm not doubtful. When worry and fear creep in, I pray. When negative thoughts of the worst rise up, I ask God to cast them down because only He can do that for me. I pray more often. Incessantly almost. And I'm noticing that prayer hasn't changed my situation yet, but it's definitely changed my perspective. Most of the time, I have peace that Micah will be just fine. The times I don't, God tends to send some measure of comfort my way, a kind word, a testimony of a similar  experience, a prayer from someone else, or the simple laughter of my boys.

Here's what I know: Romans 8:28 is my favorite verse because I found it after my mom died. It's her death date, August 28th. But what it says rings true. It was true the day I laid her to rest and it's true as I prepare to watch my warrior son go through a scary procedure. ALL things work together for those who love the Lord and are called according to His purposes. Of course I believe this for myself. But in this moment, I believe it for my family. I will be a better wife and mother because of this. Darnell will be a better husband and father. Kaleb will be a better big brother, and Micah will be a stronger little dude. We'll get through this. I'm learning to pray with full faith, trying my hand at this whole "declare and decree" thing. It's all new to me, but I believe God has a plan for my son and his journey is only just beginning.

You have to believe the same. Someone reading this is in a storm. Someone is angry, worried, or scared. You're not sure what the outcomes are going to be. You feel blindsided and unprepared. Know that ALL things are working together. God loves you. You have been called according to His purposes. YOUR journey is just beginning. Cry. Question. Allow yourself to feel those uncomfortable emotions. Then, stop what you are doing and pray. Petition God for the help and strength you need to make it day to day, minute to minute. In the infamous words of Kendrick Lamar, "'long as God got us....we gone be alright!" Be Blessed. XOXO

Walk Against the Wind

About a week after my brother was admitted to the hospital, the trauma doctor delivered a blow. He told me that the chances of  him making it were slim to none. His lungs were in bad shape, his body was still in trauma, he wasn't responding to anything they had tried. I told him, "Thank you," and walked into my brother's room where my sister, my aunt, and I began to cry. I asked everyone for a moment alone with my brother, so everyone left (except my aunt, and I know why). In that moment, I told my brother how proud I was of him. Thanked him for how much fun we had this year. Admitted how happy mama and granny would probably be to see him coming. I told him that as much as this would hurt, and as much as I selfishly wanted him to stay here with us, I understood. If he was tired, he needed to rest. I promised him we would be okay and that my sister and I would tag team Phil. 

The tears refused to stop. So, I decided to take a walk outside the hospital. As I walked, I cued up a playlist I'd been working on over the last week or so just to help me navigate this troublesome time. As I crunched through the fallen leaves, I noticed that although the sun was shining, the wind was blowing with a vengeance! It seemed the further I walked, the stronger the wind got. As the tears streamed down my face, I felt the wind blowing against my body, attempting to knock me backward; but, I kept walking. I had to keep walking to keep myself sane. I had to keep moving to calm myself down. If I stopped walking, I don't know what would have happened. So, I squinted my watery eyes and began to pump my arms. I had to keep going. 

Once I turned the corner, that same strong wind that was working against me had an adverse effect. Now, the wind was pushing me. The incline that I battled up was leveled out and lead to a descending path. I was walking downhill, pushed by the wind, so now my walk became more of a trot. Regardless of what that wind decided to do, either way, I knew I had to keep moving. 

Once, I calmed a bit, I returned to the waiting area where more of my family had gathered. The tears would come off and on. The fear of what our futures looked like loomed overhead, so I would walk. To clear my mind, to hold my peace, to cry, to question, to fight...against the wind that both threatened my balance and somehow pushed me onward.

When life delivers tough times, we have to fight. We have to walk against the wind until we reach a turning point where the very thing that threatened to destroy us becomes the thing that pushes us on. Look back over your life right now. What has God brought you through? How did it feel when you were in it? How does it feel now that it's behind you? What did you learn? Who did you become? How did you befriend the wind? Be Blessed XOXO 

Blessing in the Storm

Storms are a natural part of weather patterns. They tend to come with what is needed for the earth, like the rain that helps things grow. Somehow these important components for growth get agitated by other factors like wind and pressure. Yet, storms, as damaging as they can be, actually contain necessary pieces. So, for every torn off roof, damaged building, or missing livestock, there is the much needed rain.

I am in the middle of a storm...the eye of it, so it seems. There have been really bad days and not-as-bad days, but good days are minimal. Life is a whirlwind right now. My brother was involved in a terrible car accident whose ramifications have changed his life and lives of myself and my siblings forever. As we watch him cling to life, day in and day out, we cling to both God and each other.

In the midst of the whipping rain and powerful wind, our vision is skewed. Our footing is lost and we find ourselves stumbling from time to time. Yet, there are still glimpses of the blessing. Sounds oxymoronic, feels that way too, but, we are still blessed and we know it.

Sometimes, it gets hard to see the blessings because the storm is so strong. But in this time, I have a husband who holds it together and continues the routines of our children and our niece to allow my sister and I to have the time we need to tend to our brother. He picks up and drops off my other brother to give him more time with his twin and keep him from being late to work. I have friends who send simple text messages with no questions marks just this statement: I love you. I have family members that make sure that while the other 3 of us make our way back to work, my brother is rarely alone. He has been cared for by amazing nurses. The sun has even began to shine some...literally. And on gloomy days within the heart, the sun can make a noticeable difference.

Here's the truth...storms suck. They are damaging and dangerous and scary. They come unannounced with little to no warning. They strike heavy blows. They interrupt the normalcy of life. They are the worst. But if you've ever endured a life altering storm, then you know first-hand that 1) we are not in control of the storm's path nor its duration; 2) we have the choice to face the storm head on or let it win; 3) we have no power to endure it without the Most High.

That said, in this storm I am grateful for the blessings in God's people. How much worse would it be without them? I am grateful for the blessings in God's provision. How much harder would this be without it? I'm grateful for God's presence. Where would we be without Him? If you are in the eye of the storm, even when your footing is lost, when your sight is hazy, when your mind is racing, try your hardest to push past the pain, if only for a fleeting moment, to notice your blessings. Is it easy? Hell no. Is it practical? Nah. Is it possible? Barely. But God promised to NEVER leave us nor foresake us, so sometimes the hardest fight is simply to believe that. What better evidence than a blessing in the midst of a storm, no matter how seemingly small? Hold on. Fight hard. Endure. Believe. Persist. Be Blessed XOXO

...one of the strongest people I know

Click the link to listen: 

Strength

8 Three times I pleaded with the Lord to take it away from me. 9 But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. 10 That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong. 

2nd Corinthians 12:8-10