Yesterday I Cried

When my mom died, my best friend bought me a book called Yesterday I Cried by Iyanla Vanzant. It was such a comfort that from time to time, I go back to pages I've marked. They remind me that emotional release is necessary to maintain spiritual, physical, and relational health.

Last night, for the first time in a long time, I had a good old fashioned break down. My make-shift closet broke, bringing down all my dresses and some surface paint from our foundation. My husband is extremely unhappy with work, to the point that it's starting to affect him outside of that place. My oldest son seems to have lost his athletic confidence and is struggling a bit with his esteem. My youngest son has been having accidents for the past few months; couple that with the fact that he vomited all over the hallway. My sister is in a bind and has to move in for a spell, so she is questioning when her breakthrough is coming. Everyone around me is in a space, and there's little to nothing I can do about it. In the midst of preparing turkey club sandwiches, it all washed over me.

As the tears began to well, I kept telling myself, "Shanelle! Get your shitake mushrooms together!" But it wasn't working. All I wanted was my mom. I wanted her to listen and comfort me, so I could get back out there and fight! I felt alone. My body was warm with wells of salt water. My hands began to tremble. I tried to shake it off (literally), but nothing worked. It had to happen. Right then and right there. So, I signed my slip and gave myself permission to cry.

Crying is so often seen as a sign of weakness. It's a thing that people don't do because other people have told them not to. Hence, the effort to hold back the dam. I didn't want to look weak. I had to stay strong because that's who I am. I am the superwoman in my home. When all the chips are down, we're still not out! But the time comes when God puts us face to face with the reality that we aren't running anything but the flip flops on our ashy feet. He is in control. Losing sight of that puts a great amount of pressure and expectation on us from others and, even worse, ourselves. So, He sends us a spirit of cleansing and whispers to us, "Now is the time to wash your soul clean."

As I cried over the mayonnaise, I made no effort to wipe the tears. I let them run. I made the ugly cry face and everything. In the midst, I said a few choice words, disappointed in myself. Then, I cried a little softer because I was exhausted and overwhelmed. Finally, I felt helpless, so I let it all out. Those tears rinsed away my false sense of strength. They washed away the disappointment, exhaustion, and overwhelmed feelings to reveal the true essence of my emotion. I felt helpless. I can't give my husband a new job. I can't force my son to believe in himself. I can't control the little one's bladder. I can't hand my sister a contract for a new job. I can't fix any of it because I'm not supposed to.

God is giving the people around me tests and trials that are working together for their good. They have to go through these tough times to be prepared for the things He has in store. As a wife, it hurts me to see my husband so unhappy. As a mom, I just want to protect my sons from disappointment and pain. As a sister, after all we've been through, nothing warms me more than to see my sister shine. However, there comes a time, or many times, in life where I have to ride the bench. I can't get in the game. I have to watch as the victory unfolds without me. This is one of those times.

To cope, I went downstairs to begin the tedious repair of my make-shift closet. As I drilled and unpacked and rearranged and cleaned, I worshiped. I prayed. I cried a little more. I let the sounds of Tamala Mann (This Place), Forever Jones (He Wants It All), Hillsong United (Oceans), Kelli Price (Lord of All), and Kirk Franklin (Now Behold the Lamb) fill the basement. I welcomed God in and He showed up. He calmed my spirit and reminded me of His unfailing love before the night was even over! I hadn't experienced that in a long time. It had been too long since I invited Him in and allowed myself to bask in His overpowering presence.

I was shown that although minor in the grand scheme of life (and I definitely know that from experience), these types of situations are necessary. My husband has to be uncomfortable enough at work to leave. Only then will he appreciate the refreshing change a new endeavor will give him. My son has to know what it feels like to lack esteem to gain real confidence, develop character, and have compassion for others when they feel "less than". My youngest son needs the time to make mistakes and experience consequences in order to understand that this is an ongoing cycle in life-we mess up, we suffer the outcome, we get back up and try again. My sister has been longing for a career in her desired field with a salary and benefits for her and my niece. God has to take her to a place where she can only rely on Him for her to really be guided within her calling to work with troubled children and families. All the while, I have to develop the faith that God cares for my family just as much as I do. He wants the best for them because they are His creation. But, He has to shape them, mold them, sometimes break and rebuild them, to prepare them for what He has in store.

Someone reading this might need to take a moment to let it all out. You might have some past hurts you've not quite dealt with and the pain is becoming too much to bear. You might be in a place that is uncertain and scary but you've been pretending that you're okay. Your marriage is in a funk. Your job sucks. You can't lose that weight. She's not returning your calls. You feel helpless. Let it out. Let the Lord give you release in tears. Cry as if your life depended on it because truthfully, sometimes, it does. Today, I want to remind you that it is okay to cry. It doesn't make you weak. It doesn't mean you are soft. It cleanses your soul. Rinses the clutter from your mind. Soothes your conscience in a way that provides the best sleep and, God willing, the opportunity to arise refreshed, renewed, and ready to face a new day. Psalm 30:5 tells us that weeping lasts for a night, but joy comes in the morning. Yesterday, I cried. Today, feel free to do the same. Be Blessed. XOXO