Honey Chile!

One thing my mom had down pact was being gentle. There were times that we worked her over so good that she had no other choice than to lose her mind like DMX. But, for the most part, she was really chill in how she handled us. From what I can tell, that didn't necessarily rub off on my sister or me. On any given day, we are going in on our children for minor mistakes that either of us was more than likely guilty of at their ages. From the outside looking in, either one of us will look at the other like, "It's not even that big of a deal!" And after the incident is all said and done, we'd probably agree with that look. Buuuut...in the moment? HUNTY!!!

My husband always says, "You get more bees with honey than with vinegar." I always call him Bill Cosby because he pulls these cliches out of thin air that stick with me and I'm like, "Darnell always says..." which makes him feel special! However, his point is true. You can. Why? Duh! Because honey is sweet. And who doesn't like sweets?!?

When dealing with other people, it's often not WHAT we say, but HOW we say it. I know for a fact in my home, both my children and my husband are often perceiving me as "going off". In my head, I just want what's best or want them to do what's right, but the way I say it paints a totally different picture. This is especially true with  my oldest son. I can try all the educator tricks in the book, but because I've built the image of a tyrant who is often enraged with his behavior, he always sees me this way. That hurts. So, I'm trying to work on being more gentle...

Galatians 5:22-23: But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, forbearance, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, 23 gentleness and self-control. Against such things there is no law.

How do we go from being vinegar to honey? Well there a few things to think about:

TONE:  Proverbs 18:21 The tongue has the power of life and death... 
In English, I explain this to students as the author's attitude. Well, in a conversation with another person, this is the attitude we give off. So, we may be saying something as simple as, "Go to bed" but our attitude toward the child is annoyed because they should have been sleep an hour ago. The tone is the indirect expression of how we truly feel...our attitude toward the topic. So, HOW we say what we need to say plays a huge role in HOW we are received. 

TIMING:  Ecclesiastes 3:7...a time to be silent and a time to speak
Every time isn't the right time. There are times when certain things need to be handled immediately, but to be gentle means that we consider WHEN we reveal things. If a girl has just been dumped or cheated on for the 3rd time by the same scumbag, yet she's crying on the phone with the latest episode of chicanery, that might not be the best time to tell her that this is nothing new. Sometimes a person simply needs a listening ear, not a reminder of how stupid it was for them to be a repeat offender. Telling her later would make her ears more likely to snag what is being said. Telling her right then could make her ears fall off because she is NOT trying to hear the words that are coming out of your mouth! Timing can make or break how well we are received. 

LOCATION: Matthew 18:15 “If your brother sins against you, go and tell him his fault, between you and him alone...
We can't just say anything anywhere. I am learning this lesson day by day. There have been times that I've said some things in a meeting that should have maybe been saved for a private one-on-one. There have been times I blurted something out amongst friends that I should have saved for a conversation at home. WHERE we are when we approach a person we love can make a huge difference in how they receive what we are trying to say. 

AUDIENCE: Ephesians 4:29 ...but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen.
WHO we are talking to also forces us to alter our approach. As a teacher, there are some students who are hypersensitive to redirection. So, when I want them to stop a certain behavior or focus on the task at hand, I have to be really soft to ensure that they understand they aren't in trouble. There are other students who need a swift kick in the brain, so I have to be more direct and forceful with my words and instructions because it's what works for them. Our loved ones are the same way. No child is the same as the next. Our friends grow and change from life experiences. And even our spouses can be different from one day to the next. We have to think about WHO we are talking to and be sure to put just the right amount of sugar on top to keep them invested in what we say. 

Being gentle isn't natural for some of us. We had hard lives or were raised by hard people. Some of us are less gentle because we don't have time to be any other way. Gentleness takes time, directness, on the other hand, not so much. This is one of the hardest fruits of the spirit for me to master. Not because I lack it so much, but moreso because I expend it all at work with other people's kid. So by the time I get home, my family has reached a dry well. I have to do better. Summer vacation has helped me see that. Some of you might also benefit from a much needed recharge to allow yourself be the honey in your home. Be Blessed! XOXO