The Day I Stopped Being a Perfectionist

I don't know if it's an oldest child thing, a black girl thing, a desire to "make it" thing, or just who I was born to escape being, but for as long as I can remember, I've aimed for perfection. This led to virtually uninterrupted straight A report cards from Kindergarten to college, extreme workouts, and a hellacious house-cleaning regimen. To strive for perfection in all things definitely has its perks. It allows one to shine above the rest in terms of school and career. It helps one to continue to push in athletics and physical training. It develops grit and perseverance. However, it also has it's drawbacks. It creates division between self and others. It places unnecessary pressure on ones mental and physical being. It takes time away from the ones we love as we try so hard to make sure they come home to a comfortably clean and perfect home (that they will undoubtedly ruin within minutes of its completion!). 

I vividly remember the day I stopped being a perfectionist. I had been grappling with feeling stressed and overwhelmed. Having had the second SmithBoy and still working tirelessly to climb the ladder at my new school, all while trying to maintain a spotless home and a body that would still make my husband drool. I was tired. One night, after getting both boys down, I walked back toward the kitchen, only to be greeted by a sink full of dishes. I thought, "It won't take long to throw those in the dishwasher. Power through girl!" I opened the dishwasher only to find that it was full of CLEAN dishes that needed to be put away. I looked around the kitchen for an available sub to tag in and take my place, but it was juuuussttt me, solo dolo, facing a critical life decision. After pondering for what seemed like an eternity, I looked across to the opposite side of the kitchen. There sat a bottle of unopened Cabernet. I picked option 3) Close the dishwasher, pop the cork, pour a glass, turn out the light, and go sip and sit on the couch for 30 minutes of TV before bed. I said to myself, "The dishes will clearly be there tomorrow. I'm done son!"

To know me is to know how abnormal that was then. Me? Go to bed with a dirty kitchen? Never! That was over 4 years ago. Now? Shoot, you best believe if ya girl is exhausted the dishes will be there. When I haven't ironed a week's worth of uniforms, I'll get to them day by day or maybe even a few days at a time when life permits. If we are out of Lunchables or small bags of chips, we create a new lunch idea because sometimes the store is too much of a hassle at the time. You see the day I decided I was done chasing perfection was the day I learned to love my truest self.

"But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me." 

-2 Corinthians 12:9

God isn't concerned with us being perfect. Instead, He is concerned with our efforts to live for Him and love like Him. Trying our best to do our best every single day. He knows we'll fall short. He created us all to be a perfectly HOT MESS! He knew from the jump all that we would master, all that we would fail, and how much joy, tragedy, and triumph we would endure. That day in my kitchen, I accepted the permission God gave me to not have to have it all together ALL the time. Take a break. Sometimes, we have to just accept that it won't all get done. It might not happen EVER (like organizing my garage). But at the end of the day, having our health and strength gives us the proof that God's grace is sufficient for our lives....not our flawed efforts to appear or even become perfect. Cut. It. Out. Live life. Love the mess. Dig your clothes out of the laundry basket for a few days. Don't stress that the meat is still in the freezer, eat a grilled cheese sandwich! Leave that job, what didn't get done today will be waiting for you tomorrow. The quest for perfection is literally a waste of time. God's power is made perfect in our weaknesses, so let Him flex! Accept the fact that your life will be perfectly imperfect for as long you are blessed to live it, so enjoy the chance to be a Blessed Mess! XOXO

GODfather

One Sunday, while gathering for our weekly ritual of all-day football, the boys took unopened birthday gifts to the Ross's home to play. As we read the instructions and begged for batteries, my nephew Braydon warned Kaleb and I that he probably wouldn't be able to play with his drone at the house. His mother came out later and said that after her attempt with Braydon's drone , she decided to take him to the park instead. Hearing their words, we set the dial in the center from expert to beginner and the boys decided to give it a try in the backyard. Unable to get it to work, they opted for something different to do until it could reach a full charge.

A little later, the other Smithboyz show up, and now it was time to show off. Kaleb and Braydon go back in to grab their drones so they can show Jaden. No sooner than Kaleb is able to get his off the ground, it gets stuck in a tree...where? In the friggin' front yard! I go outside and see that it is WAAAAYYY UP *in my Big Sean voice*. The drone is stuck in the branches of heaven, so I simply tell my wonderful offspring: That's what happens when you try to show off and don't follow directions. He'd turned the dial to expert and had flown the device in the FRONT yard instead of the BACK as we discussed. I went back in the house unbothered. Kaleb sat on the steps feeling defeated.

Braydon reminded him, "I told you that was gonna happen."
"Well, you just shouldn't flew it up there. That's yo fault," said Jaden.
"Rub it in why don't ya," Kaleb sighed.
"It's okay Kaleb," said Micah. "The wind gonna blow it down okay?"
"No it's not..."

Meanwhile, in the house, Darnell asked me what was going on. I told him. He and TJ, the host, upset that the 49ers were taking a beating, felt that half-time was the best opportunity to go assess the situation. Soon after, all the men were outside squinting to see the small toy dangling from the highest branch imaginable. Then, the contest begans. They all started taking turns, throwing a football into the tree, trying to knock the thing loose. They all failed...time and time again. Although the level of entertainment was unforgettable, the men soon returned to the house to enjoy "real" football.

When the afternoon games ended, TJ, who also happens to be Kaleb's godfather, went back outside to give it another try. He was relentless. I couldn't understand why he cared so much. I'm sure part of it was ego; he wanted to be the hero and THE guy to say he had the best arm and the best aim. But another part of it was just the love he has for the kids; his godson's toy was stuck in a tree, and he was gonna get it down...even if it might have meant icy hot on his shoulder the next few days. His efforts were not in vain. He said, "Okay this my last time, if it don't come down this time, I'm done." He launched the football one last time and down came the drone.

Isn't that like God? When we put ourselves in situations that He warned us to stay away from, he is always there to bail us out. When we find ourselves stuck in the trees of life, unable to break free from the strongholds of low self-esteem, sexual deviance, financial woes, depression, or substance abuse, he fights to get us down. When other people remind us of our sin, He forigves. When everyone else abandons us, He is ever-present. He is relentless to get us down, to set us free, to be the hero. He is God...our Father, and no matter what we do, or how high up we find ourselves, He will always bring us back to Him. Be Blessed. XOXO

Missed Opportunity

Yesterday, while sitting at a stop sign, I slightly drifted. Not sure where my mind went, but when I looked both ways, I saw that I could have gone a hair sooner. Now, a car had turned out on my left, followed by a steady stream of cars as the light at the intersection down the road had turned green. "Dammit!" was my exact word. I sat back in my seat, palmed my forehead, and waited for the car caravan to pass, shifting my head back and forth, waiting for a second chance. When the opportunity came, I pulled out to quickly make my turn and be on my merry little way.

God spoke to me. First, He was like, how you gone get mad at the other cars for going where they need to go? You the one that sat there daydreaming! Yo Bad! AHA! Many of us see the metaphor in our lives. God gives us opportunities. He clears our paths. He makes a way for us. But often times, we are too busy with our heads in the clouds (or up some other unmentionable body part) that we miss it! So many of us are wandering around, waiting for a blessing that God already tried to give us once, but the gift of our own free will trumped our better sense.

Someone had the chance with the woman that could have been your wife, but you were too busy chasing around all the other scattered skirts. Someone could have had a promotion, but you were too busy looking for a new job and missed the internal posting. Someone could have had a new home, but you were so focused on the "must haves" that you missed the "must see." And some of us could have had salvation, but we were too busy worrying about what others would think and how we'd be percieved.

But here is the good news! What God intends for us will always be for us. Once we miss it, we might have to wait awhile. He might have to grow us some more. He might have to teach us some things. He might have to check us a few more times, But once we know that we've missed it, we wait for it. We seek it. We sit up and look both ways to see when our time is coming. That is God's intention for us as we live, move, and breath in Him. We have all missed opportunities, but all glory to the Most High that we serve a God of many chances. If you blew it, don't trip. Your time is coming. Just be sure not to miss it the next time around. Be Blessed. XOXO

Walking Billboard

Social media is both a gift and a curse. I see so many wonderfully happy couples, cute and bubbly kids, amazing community events, and sometimes I even get nuggets of wisdom or sound spiritual counsel. However, I also get a front-row seat to all the ills of the world-the pain, the struggle, the evil. One thing I've noticed over the years is that social media can have a negative affect on our psyche, especially when we view the seeming success of others and compare it to ourselves...deeming us false failures.

Here's the deal, few people are willing to be a walking billboard of their pain. Most people aren't going to post anything about the bad times in their lives. Families don't take photos with frowns and tears. People don't post their bus pass because they can't afford a car. No one is taking a selfie in the unemployment line. There aren't many people who are going to log onto Facebook to post a video of them arguing with their spouse, so we assume that the images of the wedding cake, the cutesie family photos, and the long, heart-felt "Happy Anniversary" posts are it. Well as a happily married woman, IT'S NOT! The scripture of Shanelle states, "That man worketh a nerve!" And the word according to Darnell says, "That woman containeth much crazy!"

I mean c'mon, we want the world to know when things are going well. And sometimes even when they aren't, we want to keep up the facade so that other people will BELIEVE that we are living the happiest life with no problems or worries. You see, we are all willing to be walking billboards for the good times. Don't believe the hype! People aren't going to broadcast their shame, their embarrassment, their fear, their insecurities, but WE ALL HAVE THEM!  The images that burn themselves into our minds and tell us: they have a better car, they have a better job, they live in a better house, they have a better marriage, they have a better body, or they even have a greater relationship with God, are a scheme...they are not real. Someone else's success isn't your failure. Someone else's accomplishment isn't your downfall. Someone else's victory is NOT your defeat. YOU are a walking billboard for YOUR journey. Tell YOUR story. Embrace YOUR hills and YOUR valleys without envying the top of someone else's mountain!

Trust me when I tell you that envy is crippling to walking in God's promises. Feeling like we are less than someone else is counter to His message in our hearts. We are beautifully and wonderfully made (Psalm 139:14). We are not to compare ourselves to one another (2 Corinthians 10:12), and we are more valuable to God than anything else (Matthew 10:31). Be Blessed, and if you need a reminder of how awesome you are, despite how many likes or loves someone else gets, check out this page for encouragement: http://biblereasons.com/being-unique/  XOXO

Taste the Rainbow

Yesterday, it rained. It was one of those weird, warm-weather rains. You know, where the sun is still out, yet the drops fall softly...steadily. In the midst of the subtle shower, my youngest exclaims, "Mama! A rainbow!" I looked to my left and there it was: a big, beautiful rainbow. Not the faint kind, but the clear type with unmistakable colors streaking the hazy evening sky. It was basically amazing!

He went on to explain, "I seen that at my school aaaannnd in my room."
"What are you talking about?" I as.ed,
He responded matter-of-factly, "You 'member the boat with the animals on the water? In my Bible? My teacher said that too on Monday."

Then, I remembered we'd read the story of Noah on Tuesday before bed, which was clearly a reinforcement of his circle time at school on Monday! This little dude was equating what he saw in the sky with what he learned at home and school, which to a teacher is an advanced academic skill! He was making connections! And at that moment, I had one of my own.

God placed the rainbow in the sky as a reminder of His promises to Noah, his family, and the world. Sometimes, we are in an inexplicable funk. Other times, we are in a legitimately rough place. Regardless, if we are in a soft storm, a thunderstorm, or our own personal hurricane, God will still remind us of His promises. He uses people, events, and things around us to remind us that no matter how bad it gets, He has promises that He plans to fulfill in each and every one of our lives.

That rainbow meant so much more than pretty colors to me yesterday. I've often forgotten that God promised me so much. Not because I deserve it, but because it is His will for my life. Not because of who I am or what I've done, but because He is God. Negativity can make us develop amnesia of the things that we've been promised. Set-backs can cause lapses in our memory about the things God whispers into our souls. Wherever you are in life, search for the rainbow...remind yourself that God has promised to love you, forgive you, restore you, redeem you, anoint you, protect you, keep you, provide for you, encourage you, promote you, abide in you, bless you...Be Blessed. XOXO

Commitment = FAILURE!

I didn’t want to get married. It all sounded like a terrible idea to me. Who in their right mind would want to sacrifice their individuality for the rest of their lives? Why would anyone give a person their whole heart and risk it being broken into a zillion pieces? And kids?!?! No. Thank. You. You see when you haven’t seen what a long-term, stick-it-out, “we’re gonna make it” marriage looks like, you don’t believe in them. They sound like mythological events in some fairyland. And we all know this world we live in is FAR from a fairyland!

Then, Darnell changed my view. He told me that my perception of marriage was skewed. He said,
“To think that in order for a marriage to last it has to be perfect is crazy!” He also showed me, through so many examples within his family, what it looked like to stick-it-out. The men and women in his family had been through so much throughout the course of their marriages, but were still holding on (and from what I can tell, most of the time, HAPPILY holding on). Looking at the world through my husband’s lens, I was able to see first-hand that to be committed, in essence, meant to fail.

That was what I was most afraid of-FAILURE. I didn’t want to fail at being a good wife. I didn’t want to fail at being a good mom. I didn’t want to have a failed marriage. So, I would shy away from even the idea, let alone the potential reality!

Many of us can relate because we have a strong desire to change. We want to live a better life. We want to lose weight, but we ate 100 hot wings and had 14 margaritas this weekend; so we may as well give up. We want to let go of that unhealthy relationship, but we fear that if he says the right things, we’ll be right back with him, so what’s the point in even trying? We want to chase our dreams and do what we love, but we need benefits and the security of bi-weekly paychecks. We don’t want to fail at being faithful to the one we love, so we play the field, even sometimes waking up from emotionless actions in empty beds. We want to serve God and live a life more pleasing in His sight, but we don’t want to screw up and fail at living for God, so we minimize Him in our daily lives.

But here’s the great thing about being committed: To be committed means that you WILL fail! It’s inevitable! There have been so many times I’ve fallen short of being a great wife, where my husband could do nothing but palm his head and shake it vigorously, probably questioning what the hell he got himself into! There have been just as many times that he’s left me in the same position, wondering how he talked me into this crazy, committed arrangement! But, with the failure comes reflection. adjustment, and another try. THAT is what it means to be committed. You don’t give up. You fall, you fail, you do it again! And keep doing it! 

In order for us to truly commit to anything or anyone, we have to move past the potential failures. That’s how we get better. That’s how we develop grit to persevere another day. Oftentimes, failure becomes the motivator to do better. You want to lose 5 lbs, but you only lost 3, you got a choice to make: You can give up and gain back the 3 (and then some), or you can fight like crazy to shed those other 2 to reach your goal. Failure is a often a frequent stop on the commitment trail! 

Commit to God. He knows you are going to fail. He knows you are going to sin. He knows! But keep showing up. Keep trying. Keep praying. Because the other thing He knows is that His love is greater than our failure. His light is brighter than any looming darkness. His grace and mercy make our failures simply become life-lessons along our journey toward his divine purpose. We’ll never be perfect... it’s impossible. We are guaranteed to fail! But as long as we stay committed, God has our back. Be Blessed. XOXO 

Sit Down Somewhere!

Life is busy. Period. I've become overwhelmed with work, sports, attempting to keep a clean home, and trying to maintain  my personal appearance as best I can. To put it bluntly, dis tew much! In the midst of all this hustle and bustle, ripping and running, coming and going, I can feel a disconnect. Don't know the last time my husband and I had just "we" time. Like real, uninterrupted, just-us-kind-of time. Can't tell you the last time my kids and I had a dance party, played with superheroes, or just curled up for what was once our weekly family movie night. I'm all out of sorts.

When life is like this, chances are, the Spirit is too. My church attendance has been spotty. My time in my Word is minimal. I don't talk with God as much. I don't seek Him as diligently. I'm just kind of out here.

"Then, because so many people were coming and going that they did not even have a chance to eat, he said to them, “Come with me by yourselves to a quiet place and get some rest.” -Matthew 6:31

God didn't design us to constantly be busy. He designed us to work...for Him...but not to exhaust ourselves like many of us do. His plan for our lives is bigger than overpriced caffeine and extensive workouts, all in an effort to increase our energy as we race to fatigue. His plan requires us to sometimes be still. We have to ensure that we save room in our day to be available to Him. I don't know about you, but lately, this has become a bit of a struggle for ya girl!

Not sure how many of you can relate, but there comes a time in life where you just need to sit down somewhere. God has so much to show us and reveal about His vision and purpose for our lives. However, it gets tough to hear His voice when the background noise is so loud. It's hard to see His vision when the fog of work, family, and social time hasn't cleared. It's hard to live out His purpose when so many other things have completely drained our energy. If you know this place all too well, make an intentional effort to carve out dedicated time this week to simply bask in God. No formalities required. No time limit in place. Simply make an effort to commit some time to pray, journal, read, or just sit still in the solitude of His love. Be Blessed. XOXO

Please Don't Judge Me...

I judge people. Sometimes, I know full well I’m coming for them. Other times, it’s unintentional. But I definitely do it. Sometimes out loud. Sometimes simply in my head. I have unwarranted opinions. Sometimes I share them, even when they’re unsolicited. Other times, I think them…HARD…and pray they don’t escape my lips. I judge people. Plain and simple. And what I can’t stand is the person who says with much confidence, “That’s why I don’t judge people.” YES. YOU. DO! Chances are the moment that phrase came out of your mouth, you were in a conversation with a person you felt was being judgmental. So, you threw a little shade with your “that’s why I don’t judge people” statement. Hence, you were judging them for being judgmental!

However, when the Word tells us to judge not, it’s not telling us not to have an opinion. No. What it’s actually saying is don’t decide a person’s fate. Don’t decide that a person is going to heaven or hell based off your beliefs or opinions. This is something that many, many church folk struggle with. There’s so much that has been made up and held fast that they have a hard time shaking the thought that where a person spends their eternal life is NOT a human decision!

Tupac once said, “Only God can judge me,” and he was right! We have a way of spewing fear and hate into the masses as a means of drawing them to God. That’s sooooo counter to the message! We have been taught that if you are gay, you are going to hell. Really? Because a HHUUUGGEE percentage of church folk WERE conceived or DID conceive out of WEDLOCK. Are they too going to hell? If you kill yourself, that’s the ultimate sin because you can’t repent, so you’re going to hell. Really? And we know that becauuusseee…If a murderer can take someone else’s life  and still go on to glory, SURELY a person who felt the weight of the world was too much has the same chance.

Chris Brown's ballad makes this request: "Please don't judge me/and I won't judge you/'cause it could get ugly/before it gets beautiful." THIS is real life, so show some real love (shout out to Mary J.). You see, people often spend so much time worried about what other people are doing that they develop the false sense that they ALSO get to determine where that person will spend life after death. NEWSFLASH! You ain’t got that kind of power dawg! Chill. Let people live. Offer righteous advice. Love them despite disagreeable beliefs. Have your own opinions. But please, (in my Rihanna voice) don’t get it twisted. You have no say in where they are headed so HURSH! (and Be Blessed! XOXO)

Looking Like Yo Daddy!

My oldest son started 3rd grade yesterday of course I snapped a picture. After my proud mama Facebook post, I examined the photo a bit more. I admired his slight smile and how that scar that once caused such grief is now a mark of character, making him look more like a young man than a little boy. I thought to myself, He's a pretty handsome kid. The older he gets, the more he looks like his daddy. 

Everyone who sees my sons and I together thinks they look like me, and truthfully they do. So much so that my husband often threatens to take me on the Maury show! He's even crafted the most amazing dance to perform when the results come in. Yes, I married a complete clown. However, as my the big boy gets older, I see so much of his father in his features, in his mannerisms, in his personality. It's clear that he is most definitely his father's child. 

This is the point we should be trying to get to in our walk with the Lord. The older we get, the more people should see our Daddy in us. Now we often confuse what this looks like, so let's refresh. First and foremost, we were made in His image, so when he made us, we already came here looking kind of like Him! Beyond that, He instructs us on how to live like Him and for Him, but He FULLY understands that we will never be Him. And that's the part that we often forget. We think that looking like God means constantly reminding others how much they don't look like Him. We think that His image is one of condescension and judgement. We think that living like Him requires us to point out every mistake and shame every secret of our brothers and sisters. And, well, quite frankly, that COMPLETELY misses the point. 

As I look back over my own life, I think about how far I've come in my walk with God. I'm still very critical of myself, so going through this spiritual drought, I've been really hard on myself at times. Allowing thoughts like, "God is mad at me, " or "I disappointed Him so much, He's going to get me". Worrying that something tragic will befall me to force me back into His fold in a greater way. And then I am reminded...that's NOT how God operates. That's how WE operate. God is forgiving and loving. Will He chastise us? Yes. Will he condemn us? No. Will he test us? Yes. Will he tempt us? No. Will he nudge us? Yes. Will he force us? No. 

See God is the embodiment of the Fruit. He is patient with us. He loves us. He sees past EVERY SINGLE fault. He loves beyond EACH DARK SECRET. He's God. And the stronger we grow in Him, the longer we walk with Him, the more we look like Him. As we grow in God, people should be able to see our Daddy's patience, His self-control, His righteous resilience, His image... the one in which we were made. Will we be perfect? Ummm...no. As a matter of fact, that's how we'll know. We will love ourselves and others past the pain, through the storm, after the mistakes, despite the secrets, over the guilt, and beyond the shame . That's how they will know we are His children. Be Blessed. XOXO

Relieve Me

Have you ever worked a job where there was a certain time of day you would be "relieved"? You know, 11:30 AM, the lunch worker comes around so you can take your 30 minutes? Or your supervisor rotates in 15 minute increments to give you and your co-workers a break? I have, and I know there were days I was so tired, or work was so slow, that I literally counted down the minutes to my relief. 

Some of us are in a season of struggle right now. We are so tired that we can't wait for God to send us relief. We feel like we've been fighting the same battle for so long that it almost seems impossible for our situation to change. We are tired of waiting for that promotion at work. We are tired of getting calls from our children's school We are exhausted with our spouse and their foolish ways. We don't have enough money, patience, or blood-pressure medicine to hold on much longer! We are growing weary. 

When we reach these times in life, it's hard to trust God. Our faith dwindles. Our lights dim. Our hope begins to fade. When people around us are in this space, it can become difficult to encourage them because we TOTALLY agree with them! Even we are looking up to the heavens like, "C'mon God! Relieve them already!" We ourselves have grown tired  simply watching them fight and hold on and pray and hold on and fall and fail and hold on and wait and hold on some more. 

 The Word tells us a few things about being in this time: 

1. They that wait on the Lord shall renew their strength. (Isaiah 40:31)

2. There is rest for the weary... (Matthew 11:28)

3. Do no grow weary in doing good for in due time... (Galatians 6:9)

4. All of my help comes from the Lord. (Psalms 121:2)

5. He has made everything beautiful...IN ITS TIME. (Ecclesiastes 3:11)

It's in these times we have no other choice then to pray and stand. In this waiting period, tears are normal, so cry. In this holding time, anger is natural, so scream. In these still moments, asking God the tough questions get us to the well-deserved rewards. If you're here right now, or you've ever been here, you know it feels like forever. But once the sweet relief of the Lord comes, we find that we have been reshaped, molded into a stronger, more grateful, more humble version of former selves. 

Here's a playlist of encouragement to help remind us that in due time, we will be rewarded: 

1. Be Encouraged-William Becton

2. My Life is in Your Hands-Kirk Franklin

3. I Told the Storm-Greg O'Quin N Joyful Noize

4. Encourage Yourself-Donald Lawrence and the Tri-City Singers

5. I Almost Let Go-Kurt Carr

6. Worth Fighting For-Brian Courtney Wilson

7. Greater is Coming-Jekalyn Carr

God is preparing us for the blessings He has in store for us. We can't receive relief until He deems us ready. Hold on brothers and sisters. I know the rope feels thin. I know it looks like a long way up, but God PROMISED to never leave you nor forsake you. Trust that. Trust Him. And prepare yourself to Be Blessed. XOXO